


Space and Secrets (Things Left Unsaid)

by MiraclesofPaul



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Lack of Communication, M/M, No Pandemic, Pining, Roommates, Shane's POV, everything's pretty much like real life except that they're roommates and into men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29181360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraclesofPaul/pseuds/MiraclesofPaul
Summary: Shane and Ryan are roommates who have been slowly blurring the line between friendship and something more. That is until Ryan suddenly decides to start dating, leaving Shane to pine after him.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 38
Kudos: 106





	Space and Secrets (Things Left Unsaid)

**Author's Note:**

> A thank you to Yesi for reading a rough, rough version of this and listening to me complain! And to Tiia, whom I write all of these stories for. I can't put into words how much everything is for her.

**JANUARY**

“I signed up for, like, five dating apps last night,” Ryan says, breaking the comfortable morning silence. “I think I’m finally ready to start dating again.”

Shane freezes, his coffee mug halfway up to his mouth. Ryan’s hair is a mess, sticking up everywhere as he sits across their little table. He’s still in his oversized sleep shirt, the gray one he stole from Shane two years ago and never gave back. Shane's first instinct is that this must be some sort of joke, but Ryan doesn't break, doesn't suppress a teasing smile, doesn't take it back.

No, Ryan is looking at Shane expectantly, waiting for a reaction.

“Oh,” Shane finally says after a beat too long, finally taking a sip of coffee and putting down the mug. His thoughts jumble together as he tries to understand what exactly is happening.

“I just feel like — I mean, it’s time, right? I gotta get out there if I want to find love.”

The words feel like a punch to his chest. Ryan wants to find love? He wants to fall in love with _someone else?_ So this thing they've been doing, this half-way relationship they've been in for about a year now, where they've been dancing the line between friendship and more, where Shane had assumed their feelings were mutual — all of that wasn't real?

"It's been almost three years since Dan cheated on me," Ryan says, oblivious to the demolition going on in Shane's brain. "I can't run away from relationships forever."

_But what about our relationship?_ Shane thinks, but the words refuse to leave his lips. Instead he clears his throat and remains as stoic as possible. A brave face to hide the chaos underneath. “Well… good luck. There’s, uh, there’s a lot of sickos out there.”

Ryan huffs out a laugh. "Thanks."

Shane stands up abruptly, the chair scraping the floor. "I'm gonna go get ready," he says, not waiting for any reply before turning and heading towards his room.

With the door firmly closed behind him, Shane stands in the middle of his room, heart hammering painfully in his chest. His lungs feel uncomfortably tight, like a belt has been wrapped around them. This can't be happening. A flood of emotions overwhelms him: sadness and anger and horror and embarrassment. 

He covers his face with his hands, forcing himself to breathe.

They were just friends when they moved in together after Ryan's big breakup with his ex. Close friends thanks to co-hosting Unsolved, sure, but definitely platonic. Shane had needed to find a new place and Ryan didn't want to live alone and the decision to become roommates had felt natural. Carpooling to work had seemed logical too. Friday movie night became a thing, and then the Nightmare Routine became a thing. Shane didn't even notice when things began to blur, when his world began to revolve around Ryan.

He feels very stupid for having assumed Ryan felt the same way. They'd never made any sort of declaration about their feelings. They never talked about what exactly was going on with them. It had gone unspoken, with Shane apparently reading into it what he had wanted to see.

Shane gets dressed, not really registering what he’s putting on. The initial panic in his brain is fading, leaving behind only numbness. He embraces it and pushes down all of the clawing emotions in his chest.

“You ready?” Ryan calls from the living room several minutes later.

Shane takes a deep breath. He has to act normal. As normal as one can act when realizing you've been fooling yourself into thinking your feelings are reciprocated. He needs to calm down and think rationally, and that can only happen after he's gotten a hold of himself.

“Yeah,” Shane says, stepping out of his bedroom. “Let’s hit the road.”

The drive to the office is normal. Ryan hums absentmindedly along to the soundtrack playing. His eyes have that far away look to them that say he's not entirely here, which means he doesn't notice that Shane is holding himself rather stiffly and doesn't say a word the entire ride there.

Katie calls out, “Mom and dad are here!” as soon as she sees them approaching. 

“Hey, kids!” Ryan says cheerfully as they step into their office space and heads to his desk. He looks back to tell Shane in a bratty voice, _“I’m_ the dad.”

“I’m the dad,” Shane says back automatically as he takes a seat at his own desk next to Ryan, flipping him off for good measure.

Ryan laughs and puts on his headphones, turning his attention to his computer. But Shane doesn’t look away just yet, his heart betraying him and clenching painfully. 

This stupid inside joke began around a month ago when they’d been pettily squabbling about who forgot to take out the trash the night before. Katie had groaned and said to Steven, “I hate it when mom and dad fight,” and it had stuck. And the thing is, it’s true that they act like an old married couple. It’s hard not to when you spend practically all day together. And maybe that's how Shane had found it so easily to trick himself into thinking it was real.

The teasing, the flirting, the touching — what else was he supposed to think?

Shane forces himself to look away and put on his own headphones. So Ryan is done with whatever they had between them. The hurt and rejection still burn his insides, but he only has two options. Either he can let it go, not make a big fuss, and accept what is happening, or he can ruin everything by refusing to let go and forcing Ryan to explain the sudden change.

Just the thought of confronting Ryan makes him involuntarily wince, eyes closing as sharp pain runs through him. The humiliation. The heartbreak. 

“You okay?” Katie says, forcing Shane to open his eyes. She’s looking at him with concern.

“Yeah, just, uh. Trying to get over the fact that the holidays are over. It’s a whole new year.”

“New year, new planner, new start,” Katie says as her eyes return to her computer screen, done with the interaction.

Shane sneaks a glance at Ryan. He can’t stop himself from clinging to the hope that this is something temporary. Perhaps Ryan will go out with a few guys and realize that nothing can compare to their relationship. Shane doesn’t want anything to change.

But he should’ve known that when Ryan sets his mind to something, he doesn’t do things halfway. Almost every day after coming home from work, Ryan goes straight to his room and gets ready to go out. Shane feels lost each time as he sits on the couch by himself. He keeps his eyes on the TV, arms crossed, but his thoughts are only able to swirl around Ryan and where he might be and what he might be doing.

Who he might be with. Wondering over and over why Ryan would rather be with them than with him.

And it’s on Friday that he first gets to meet one of the lucky bachelors. Shane is already in a dark mood when there’s a knock on the door. Ryan made it clear he had a second date, excitedly telling Steven about it in the morning.

Shane had noticed that Ryan was eager to tell whoever cared to listen about his dates — everyone except Shane, that is. He’s not sure if it’s a mercy or a bad sign that Ryan hasn’t shared anything about his new venture with Shane. No, in fact, they’ve barely had any time with just the two of them. Friday nights have always been dedicated to watching a movie, sometimes at home, sometimes at the theater, but always together. It was the first tradition they established when they moved in together, and Shane’s heart feels heavy as he goes to answer the door, knowing for the first time in years he will spend Friday night alone.

“Hey there!” the stranger says, hand automatically extending for a handshake which Shane hesitantly takes. 

“Hi,” Shane forces himself to say.

“It’s for me!” Ryan’s voice says from inside the apartment.

“I’m Brad,” the guy says with a wide grin. There’s something friendly and unintimidating about him. He’s dressed in jeans and a slightly wrinkled t-shirt and is practically vibrating with excitement. He’s tall (but definitely not as tall as Shane) and looks sturdy and strong (definitely more muscular than Shane.) “You must be Ryan’s roommate.”

Shane stands up to his fullest height, crossing his arms. “I am.”

“Awesome. It’s so nice to meet you.”

Shane can’t say the same. His pulse speeds up as jealousy flares in him. This is the guy Ryan is going to skip their movie night for?

“I’m ready,” Ryan’s voice says just a second before he appears behind Shane. Shane must be blocking the doorway without noticing because Ryan’s hand lands on his arm, gently pushing him aside.

Shane stares as Ryan gives Brad a smile as he steps out of the apartment. He can’t make himself look away even as it claws at his heart.

Brad says softly, “Hi,” suddenly looking shy. 

“Hi,” Ryan says back. “Should we get going?”

“Yes, awesome. I’ve got a whole thing planned for us.” Brad gives Shane a wave and says, “Nice to meet you, dude!”

Ryan doesn’t say anything to Shane as he and Brad walk away. 

Shane has to force himself to go back inside their apartment. He closes the door and instantly leans against it, his head pressing onto the cold surface as he squeezes his eyes shut. This — all of this, _everything —_ feels wrong. The endless ache in his chest hasn’t eased all week. What is he supposed to do now?

When his eyes open, they instantly go up to the cross hanging over the door. _To keep away the demons you’re always inviting over,_ Ryan had said as he’d hung it up. Shane frowns as the memory tugs at his heart.

This entire apartment, he realizes, is made up of little memories like that. An endless collection of the unit they’d become. The caricature of them from the first episode of Tourist Trapped hangs in the living room. The Deacon action figure that Ryan got Shane is displayed on their bookshelf, standing proudly next to one of Poe Dameron. They’d gotten drunk one night and decided the two action figures were married, and they haven’t dared move them apart since. There’s a burn mark on their table from Ryan’s short lived baking phase. There’s a jar of holy water in the fridge. _Just in case we need it._

Ryan is everywhere. It only makes Shane miss him more.

***

Two weeks later, Shane feels as though he stepped into some alternate universe where he and Ryan never shared anything deeper than platonic friendship. They still spend a lot of time together, yes. They run a company together and film together and carpool every day. But overnight all of the subtle, little things that made them _them_ have disappeared. 

Gone are the soft smiles Ryan used to give Shane and only Shane. There is personal space between them again, like there used to be three years ago. Ryan doesn’t keep an arm on the back of Shane’s chair anymore. He doesn’t let their knees touch as they talk. He doesn’t reach out to fix Shane’s hair. He doesn’t flirt with Shane at all anymore.

No one in the office seems to have noticed, or if they do, they haven’t said anything. Steven and Katie have picked up on Shane’s misery, frequently asking him if he’s feeling alright, but he’s been able to wave it off. Ryan hasn’t mentioned anything, as if determined not to notice. Shane figures he must know, on some level, that Shane is heartbroken over this change, but if that’s the case, then they have both wordlessly decided not to mention it.

Shane had been afraid of this. He remembers vividly when they were in Orlando, filming _To All Who Come to This Happy Place._ He had known then that what he felt for Ryan was so far over the line of friendship that there was never any going back. He remembers the ride back to their hotel that last night, when they’d almost kissed, how his heart had raced wildly and he’d felt the full weight of what it all meant. He remembers the fear in his stomach as he realized that all it took was a few wrong moves to put in jeopardy everything they’d all worked so hard for.

If things end badly between them, if their friendship is ruined, then it would break Watcher. People depend on them for a job. They are responsible for more than just themselves now. They hadn’t kissed that night, and Shane had been disappointed but also relieved that they could put off that big leap for just a little while longer. 

Shane would give anything to go back and kiss Ryan that night. Perhaps that wouldn’t have fixed it. Maybe Ryan was growing tired of them even then. But Shane can’t stand the way their apartment is so silent in the afternoons now. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’d never had a problem being alone before, had so often preferred it even, but now it feels as though half of himself has walked out too.

Which is why, when Friday rolls around again, he pulls out his phone and texts Curly: _Wanna go watch a movie?_ He doesn’t want to sit on the couch and think about how easy it was for Ryan to pull away from him. He doesn’t want to wonder all night what Ryan and Brad are doing. Not again. 

Curly sends back a row of emojis that Shane interprets as a yes.

After leaving BuzzFeed, Curly is one of the few people he still hangs out with from time to time, and seeing him standing in front of the theater manages to put a small smile on Shane’s face. Curly grins and does an exaggerated wave when he sees him. It’s nice to see Curly, nice to walk inside the theater and get a bucket of popcorn and pretend like he doesn’t wish Ryan were here too.

The movie is an okay-ish horror-comedy that is made better by Curly’s equally comedic gasps each time a murder occurred. Shane feels himself relax as his brain focuses on something other than the way his life is quickly unraveling. Only once during the third act, when the killer is revealed, does he turn to his left expecting to see Ryan. He recovers quickly and turns back to the screen. Curly mercifully doesn’t notice, and Shane swallows down the disappointment silently.

Going to the movies had been their thing for so long. He can’t believe that he doesn’t know when — or _if —_ they will ever go to the movies again together. 

Shane manages to shove those thoughts away by the time the movie’s over and he and Curly are stepping out into the cool night air. He focuses on Curly, chuckling as Curly says, “It was so obvious it was the rich kid! His bangs gave it away!”

“All killers have bangs.”

“It’s true. Pull up a list of serial killers. Bangs!”

“Plus he was rich,” Shane says as they make their way down the street, walking along the parked cars. “Growing up rich automatically makes you a psychopath.”

Curly nods. “It couldn’t have been anyone else. White, rich, _and_ bangs? The police should’ve had no other suspects. And —” Curly stops abruptly, his attention caught by something on the other side of the street. 

“What?” Shane asks.

“Is that Ryan?”

Every ounce of blood in Shane freezes. “What? Where?”

“That green SUV,” Curly says, nodding towards a car ahead which yes, has Ryan in the passenger seat. And Brad in the driver’s seat. “Who is he with? Oh my god, is he on a date?”

Shane watches, transfixed, as Brad says something that makes Ryan laugh. He swallows against the tight feeling in his throat. Brad leans towards Ryan and says something that makes Ryan lean towards him too. And together they close the small distance between them, their mouths meeting in a gentle looking kiss.

“Well that answers my question,” Curly says before turning to look at Shane. It’s only then that he frowns and asks, “Whoa, hey, are you okay?”

“Let’s go,” Shane says as he tears his eyes away. He walks quickly, forcing Curly to run a few steps to keep up. Shane clenches his fists tight, trying to fight back the sick feeling threatening to overtake him.

Curly follows him silently for a few minutes until they’re a safe distance away. It’s only then that he takes Shane’s arm, forcing him to stop. “Not to pry into your personal business, babe, but what was that?”

“Nothing,” Shane says instantly, defensive. 

“Are you and Ryan fighting or something?”

“No.” When Curly raises his eyebrows skeptically, Shane stutters out, “We’re not — there’s no _fight,_ exactly.”

“Is it the guy? You don’t like him?”

“I don’t know. It’s just — it’s been weird. Ryan decided to start dating, and I just… I don’t know. I have to get used to it. That’s it.”

“Okay,” Curly says gently, like he’s talking to a disgruntled animal. “That makes sense. You and Ryan are, like, freakishly close. I can see how it’d be weird to share him after having all of his attention to yourself.”

“I guess.” Shane shifts uncomfortably under Curly’s gaze. “Look, it’s — it’s fine. I’ll get used to it.”

“It’s okay to be sad, you know.”

“I’m not.”

Curly makes a face that clearly states he knows that’s bullshit. “Okay. Well. I’m just saying. I’ve lost enough best friends to know that it’s hard when the person you always go to isn’t there anymore.” Curly pauses, his eyes studying Shane’s face carefully before asking gently, “Does Ryan know you have feelings for him?”

Shane all but flinches. He takes a step back, turning away from Curly in a stupid, futile attempt to hide the sick feeling consuming him. He’s ready to deny it — he _wants_ to deny it. But what comes out instead is a weak, “I don’t know. I thought he did, but… It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Curly sighs. “That fucking sucks, babe.”

Shane nods and swallows hard around the lump in his throat. In his mind’s eye, he can still see Ryan and Brad, can see the kiss. “Yeah. It really does.”

***

Ryan isn’t home when Shane gets there, but he didn’t expect him to be. He’s clearly out having a nice time.

Shane wanders around the empty apartment, aimless. Restless. It just doesn’t make sense. They’d been fine, hadn’t they? They didn’t fight. The change in their relationship was so sudden, so completely inexplicable. Ryan doesn’t seem angry with him. He still talks to Shane. They filmed episodes for Top Five, and the usual energy had been there. They’re still _friends._

But that something more they’d had before is gone. There’s a careful new distance that Shane doesn’t understand. Why pull back? Did Ryan’s feelings change so quickly?

That’s the thought that hurts the most, and what keeps him unable to even think about confronting Ryan about this. Maybe Ryan did snap out of it. Maybe he decided he didn’t want to waste any more time on Shane. Maybe he realized what a big risk it would be for them to start officially dating and decided Shane wasn’t worth it.

Shane stands in front of their fridge for several minutes, staring at his favorite magnet. It’s a ride photo of them on Splash Mountain with Steven and Katie. They’re all grinning, happiness shining bright. That had been taken the week that they’d gotten 500k subscribers for Watcher, and he remembers vividly how proud and excited they’d been. 

He burns with stupid, futile hope that things will go back to how they used to be even as he tells himself that Ryan is clearly moving on.

**TWO YEARS AGO: A Thanksgiving Call**

Shane groaned as his phone rang. It was all the way on the other side of the living room, and he felt uncomfortably full. His mom and his aunt were chatting happily in the kitchen and his dad was passed out on the chair. With a sigh he got to his feet and went to grab it. 

“This better be good,” he said into the phone after picking up. 

“Rude!” Ryan’s voice said indignantly, and the sound made Shane smile. “I was just calling to catch up with my roommate. Sorry to bother you with my genuine friendship.”

Shane laughed as he headed towards what used to be his teenage bedroom but was now a plain guestroom. With the door closed behind him, he said, “You caught me in the middle of a food coma. I had to get up to answer. I think it speaks highly of me that I even answered at all.”

“Nah,” Ryan said, and Shane could picture his fake glare so clearly. “I’ve been thinking and I’ve realized that the only reason you go to your parents’ every Thanksgiving is to avoid spending my birthday with me.”

“It’s kind of your fault for being born at a very inconvenient time.”

“Hey, hey, I had no control over my birth. You can take that up with my mother. Who, by the way, is going through this no frying food phase, and it’s definitely going to ruin Thanksgiving.”

Shane laid down on the bed and listened as Ryan went in depth about the menu at the Bergara household that year. He laughed at Ryan’s perfect imitation of his dad, and then went into an unnecessarily long description of what the Madej household ate. An hour flew by unnoticed.

“Oh shit, I better get going,” Ryan said. “I’m in charge of picking up the pie.”

“Wish mom and pop a happy Thanksgiving for me,” Shane said.

“Alright. Hey, when does your plane come in again?”

“Day after tomorrow at seven. I’ll forward you the email.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll be there.”

Shane smiled, a warm fondness in his heart as he said, “Thanks, Bergoogoo. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Ryan didn’t hang up and neither did Shane. There was some rustling on the line like the phone was being moved and another beat of silence before Ryan’s voice said again, “Bye.”

Shane laughed. “Bye.”

“I’ll text you a picture of my dinner.”

“Can’t wait to see it.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” Ryan said, and then the call really did end and Shane laughed.

He let go of the phone and closed his eyes, a smile still on his face. He knew he was lucky to have a friend like Ryan. Shane had never been that good at building close friendships. He’d always been too prone to giving up easily on people, to letting the distance grow instead of taking steps to fix it. But with Ryan it was easy. Easier than it had ever been with any other friend. Shane couldn’t remember the last time he’d willingly talked on the phone with someone for that long. 

He found that as much as he was enjoying spending time with his family, he was looking forward to landing in California and seeing his best friend again.

**FEBRUARY**

Shane stretches his arms high above his head, joints cracking in protest of having been kept in one position for too long. He’s at his desk in the office, noon quickly approaching. The few episodes of Tourist Trapped they filmed last fall are finally on the lineup to air, and he feels intensely nostalgic just from coordinating the release and remembering the fun they’d had filming.

Ryan swivels in his chair to turn to Shane, pretends to hold a gun up with shaking hands, and says, “You better, uh, you better do as I say, please.”

Shane chuckles, a rush of joy hitting him. They’ve had this dumb bit going for a while now. Ryan pretends to be a timid bank robber, and Shane pretends to be a confused teller. It’s incredibly stupid and unfunny to everyone around them, but Shane absolutely loves it. 

Shane says, “Sure, what can I do for you today, sir.”

“Just, please, can you, um, just get the money from the vault.”

“Can I see your card and ID?”

“No, no ID. Just money.” 

“Sir, I need your bank information,” Shane says, giving him an exaggerated frown that makes Ryan break into a giggle. “At least give me your name so I can look you up in our system.”

“Put it in the bag, I just — I don’t mean to cause trouble but —” 

“I can’t just give you free money, sir. That’s not how banks work.”

“Excuse me, but do you see what’s in my hand? Please, just get me the money and —” 

“Let me go get my manager.”

“No! No, please! I’m shy!” 

Shane laughs, completely breaking, and soon the two of them are laughing like idiots together. Steven walks in a second later, and Katie says, “Mom and dad are being weird again.”

“Don’t freak out the kids,” Steven says, pointing an accusing finger at them. “We’ve talked about this.”

Ryan tells Shane, “I don’t know how we got the nickname of mom and dad when Papa Lim over here is the real one in charge.”

Shane nods. “Yeah! The amount of power we have is very limited. Maybe we should just be, like, the weird uncles.”

“You two are not dumping all of the responsibility on me!” Steven says as he sits down at his desk. “We will all make equal fake parental decisions.”

“No, I really like the uncle thing,” Ryan says. “All the fun and none of the responsibility. Sign me up, baby!”

Shane says, “Ryan and I will take all of the crew to get ice cream, and you can be the one that makes them work and eat their vegetables.”

Steven sighs. “That is disturbingly close to how this company is currently being run.”

Ryan shrugs and stands up. “Then you shouldn’t be so good at it. It’s pretty much your fault.” He kicks at Shane’s chair and says, “Come on, let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Shane says, already standing up. 

“I want a burrito.”

“What if I don’t want a burrito?”

“Then that’s just too bad. We’re getting burritos.”

Shane smiles, his heart doing a flip, and follows Ryan out of the door. In the smart part of his brain, he recognizes that grabbing lunch is a normal thing for friends to do, and it has become clear that Ryan does plan to still be his friend — his friend and nothing more, that is. He knows that he shouldn’t be so eager for these little breadcrumbs of time with Ryan. He should be trying harder to accept that things between them are over.

But the stronger, idiot part of his brain floods with happy chemicals at the proof that Ryan wants him around. He’s starved for Ryan’s attention and just wants to feel, for even a second, like things are normal again.

They go to their usual Mexican place around the corner from the office. They sit in a hard plastic booth and eat huge burritos. And the energy between them is _good._ They make stupid jokes and complain about work and Ryan once again does a mini TedTalk about his new favorite movie, _Horizons._ It’s perfectly them.

Shane doesn’t understand how he can feel so miserable most days, like his insides are in mourning, and then have these good moments too where his heart feels soothed. He doesn’t understand how he lost Ryan when Ryan is here.

And then he remembers as Ryan’s phone buzzes, and Ryan’s eyes light up. “I got a new date,” Ryan says as he turns the phone to show Shane.

The picture is of a classically handsome guy. His jawline is sharp, but there’s something gentle in his soft smile and green eyes. Shane keeps his face neutral as a painful stab of jealousy hits him. When he tears his eyes away and looks back to Ryan, his jealousy is only made worse as he sees that Ryan looks genuinely excited.

He’s not sure if Ryan wants him to be jealous or if Ryan just doesn’t care at all about how showing him his new date would make him feel. Or perhaps, could it be that Ryan really doesn’t know how Shane feels about him? The thought doesn’t make sense. How could Ryan not know?

"So I guess things are over with Brad, then?" Shane finally says, and it startles him to realize that he really doesn’t have any idea where Ryan goes when he goes out. He’s no longer privy to every detail of Ryan’s life. Maybe he never really was.

“Yeah, that didn’t really work out,” Ryan says. “He was really nice and sweet, but I just felt like we were better off as friends.”

Shane holds back a wince at the words. They hit way too close to his fragile heart. He takes a long sip of his water to avoid having to comment.

Ryan is still looking at his phone, typing something. He says absentmindedly, “Oh, look at that. He’s a Virgo, and he likes poetry. That’s pretty cool.”

“Astrology is fake,” Shane says with more bitterness than he means to show.

“That’s exactly what a tortoise would say.”

“A tortoise? That’s not a thing.”

Ryan finally looks up from his phone. “Really? Are you sure? We took that test for the video.”

“I’m a Taurus, dipshit. Like the car.”

“Oh.” Ryan laughs, bright and completely unashamed, and Shane’s heart gives a painful squeeze, reminding him just how much he loves the ridiculous man in front of him.

“You two are gonna get along great,” Shane says sardonically.

“We’ll make it work,” Ryan says, eyes back to his phone.

***

His name is Christopher. Shane overhears Ryan telling Katie about how great their first date went, and how they have plans to be each other’s Valentines. Apparently he’s just as handsome in real life as he is in his pictures.

Shane really wishes they had a bigger office. One with thick, heavy doors that could block out unwanted information.

When they first moved in together, Ryan had been heartbroken by his dirty, cheating ex, and more than a few times Shane found him sitting on the couch, eyes glossy with tears. Each time, Shane had felt so helpless, completely unable to do anything other than sit next to him and offer cliches. When Valentine’s Day rolled around, Shane had suggested they watch _10 Things I Hate About You_ and get drunk on margaritas. The year after that, they watched _27 Dresses_ and got drunk on red wine.

This Valentine’s Day, Shane sits alone in the apartment. He puts on _Cheers_ so it won’t be so quiet, but he can’t focus. Ryan left wearing a very nice blue button down. They’re probably going to a nice restaurant. They’re probably having a grand, ol’ time. 

Shane frowns as an ugly, angry feeling takes over him. He is angry at Ryan for doing this. He hates Christopher just for existing. He hates himself for being a coward. Shane is not a violent man, but he almost wishes he had something to punch, some way to get these horrible feelings _out_ instead of letting them fester. 

He sits on the couch for hours. He tells himself he just doesn’t want to go to bed yet, but deep down he knows he’s waiting for Ryan. He snaps to attention when, near midnight, he finally hears the door open.

Ryan walks in holding flowers and looking very pleased. It makes Shane’s insides twist painfully.

“Hey,” Ryan says. “You’re up.”

“I am. Date went okay?”

“Pretty good, yeah. He’s very romantic.” Ryan smiles at the flowers in his hand. “I’ve never been woo’d before. It’s kinda nice.”

Shane turns off the TV and stands up. Waiting for Ryan to get home was stupid and masochistic. He’s an idiot. “I’m going to bed,” he says, avoiding looking at Ryan. “Good night.”

“Good night,” Ryan says just before Shane closes the door and all but flings himself onto the bed.

He lets himself wallow in that dark feeling for the next two weeks as Ryan goes on date after date with his new Prince Charming and comes home with little gifts. After a date at the zoo, an otter magnet appears on their fridge right next to their Splash Mountain one. Ryan starts wearing a thin, blue bracelet that constantly catches Shane’s eye. A book of poetry. A little crystal that sits on Ryan’s desk at work. All of that is bad enough, but the worst thing is the constant goddamn texting.

At all hours, during meetings, during lunch, during every free second, Ryan’s attention is on his phone, thumbs flying fast to type another response. It’s distracting and infuriating, and Shane is sick of it.

“If you’re not going to watch it,” Shane says, unable to stop the annoyance in his voice, “I’m turning it off.”

Ryan hasn’t looked up from his phone in at least five minutes. He doesn’t look up as he keeps typing with one hand and flips Shane off with the other.

It’s Friday, the first Friday that they’ve actually honored their movie night tradition since Ryan started dating. Shane had hoped that they’d have a nice, normal night together. A night that was just about the two of them and no one else. Just one goddamn night where Shane isn’t fighting for Ryan’s attention. 

Ryan might be sitting on the same couch, but he feels miles away. 

“Real mature,” Shane says, crossing his arms and forcing his eyes back to their TV. “You have no respect for the arts.”

“Okay, okay,” Ryan says, laying his phone on the coffee table. “There. You happy? I didn’t know _Birds of Prey_ is an art film that requires my full attention. My apologies.”

“Your ignorance is embarrassing,” Shane says in the most dramatic tone he can muster to hide the real hurt underneath. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“I’ll be a good boy now. I’ll keep my eyes glued to the screen, okay? You happy now?”

“Ecstatic,” Shane says flatly, watching as on screen Harley cries, heartbroken. 

They watch the movie for a while in complete silence. There are no jokes or dumb bits like there normally would be. The air between them feels tense and uncomfortable.

Ryan’s phone buzzes with a new message, and Shane’s body goes tense. They both stare at it as it buzzes again. Shane is so sure that Ryan is going to pick it up, so sure that Ryan would rather talk with this new guy than spend time with Shane. He can already anticipate the hurt and anger building up. But Ryan doesn’t. 

Instead he shifts and leans over towards Shane until their shoulders touch. Shane feels his insides freeze, feels the air catch in his throat, from just that simple, small point of contact. 

After everything they’ve been through together, this little touch shouldn’t feel so monumental. This shouldn’t make his heart race like this. But these past weeks have felt like years, and all he wants to do is turn to Ryan and hug him close, as close as he physically can. He wants to beg Ryan to please just _stop,_ to give up looking for someone better, and just settle for him. Would a future of being stuck with Shane really be that bad?

But instead he stays still, not pushing for more in case this is all he’s allowed now. His eyes go to the blue bracelet on Ryan’s wrist to remind himself that this doesn’t mean anything.

“The most unrealistic thing about this movie,” Ryan says, “is that Margot Robbie’s Harley would ever be interested in Leto’s dumbass Joker. She is way too cool for him.”

“Yeah, it’s stupid as hell. I’ll never understand love.”

Ryan chuckles and gently elbows him. “Spoken like a true robo-squatch.”

**A YEAR AGO: At the Anniversary Party**

“You’re gonna have to roll me out of here,” Ryan said with a groan.

“They haven’t even brought out the dessert.”

“Shut up, don’t mention food around me ever again.”

“You’re weak,” Shane told him, enjoying the way Ryan scrunched his face up in fake anger and stuck his tongue out at him. Considering the fact that Ryan had his head on Shane’s lap, it did nothing but look incredibly cute.

Everyone was still outside, enjoying the party. He could still faintly hear the music, muffled by the glass sliding doors. He and Ryan were the only ones in the living room after they both ate several plates of food and needed to spread out. 

The Bergara family living room felt comfortingly familiar. He’d been here so many times that it almost felt like hanging out at his own parents’ house. The anniversary party that Ryan’s parents threw for themselves every year was something Shane looked forward to just as much as any other holiday. 

Shane was a permanent fixture in the Bergara family functions by now. Birthday parties, weddings, barbecues, baptisms — everyone knew that wherever Ryan went, Shane followed. A packaged deal. 

There was always so much warmth in the Bergara family parties, a lot of music and laughter and good food. Shane always enjoyed sitting around with everyone, chatting and teasing Ryan and laughing easily. It was very nice to have a surrogate family in LA with his own parents halfway across the country. 

His fingers carded through Ryan's hair absentmindedly. He felt so happy in that moment, so lucky to be so wholly welcomed. 

The glass doors slid open, and in walked Ryan’s mom. She gave them a warm smile and said, “Almost dessert time!”

“Nooo,” Ryan said weakly. “I’m gonna burst like a goddamn piñata.” 

His mom ignored him and said, “Shane, I got you that pie you like.”

Shane grinned. “You’re an angel. A pie angel sent from pie heaven.”

“Wait, I do want pie,” Ryan said, making them laugh. 

Shane tugged playfully at Ryan’s hair and felt grateful to be a part of this family.

**MARCH**

Shane wakes up late Sunday morning, though he still feels groggy and with no desire to be up. The apartment is completely still as he steps into the living room, and he soon notices that Ryan’s keys are gone from their usual place by the door. Not too long ago, weekends were often spent lazing around on the couch. Sometimes they’d go to Disneyland with Byron or grab brunch with Steven, but their time spent doing nothing is what Shane finds himself missing the most.

He doesn’t know what to do with himself, doesn’t want to sit around feeling sorry for himself, so he decides to head down to their usual coffee shop. By the time he arrives and orders a cup of coffee, he feels a little better.

He hunkers down in a small corner table, his laptop out to distract him with work. That’s one good thing about running a company: there’s always something that needs to get done. The world hasn’t stopped just because Shane is heartbroken. People still expect him to answer emails and make plans and do silly little voices as if nothing has changed.

It was stupidly reckless to let himself fall for his roommate and co-host and co-founder. He fell for the person he absolutely couldn’t lose, the one person he couldn’t escape. And yet, Shane doesn’t think there is a universe where he wouldn’t have fallen for Ryan at some point. Ryan can be stubborn and frustrating and highly susceptible to questionable beliefs, but Shane has never felt so connected to another person.

Even now, despite the heartbreak, Shane can’t stop himself from hoping Ryan will come back to him.

He gets lost in tweaking a script for Puppet History. He gets another cup of coffee and a sandwich, and manages, for a while, to forget his problems. Then he hears a familiar laugh, and his heart gives a painful squeeze before his eyes even have a chance to look up and confirm that it’s Ryan.

Ryan and Christopher.

Shane has seen him a couple of times now. He’s been nothing but nice, which highly annoys Shane. Christopher is very handsome — Shane can admit that — and it’s clear he is very into Ryan. He’s always leaning into Ryan’s space and grinning at him. Shane watches as Christopher insists on paying for Ryan’s drink.

Hot, angry jealousy fills Shane before he makes himself look down. He slumps in his seat, trying to make himself invisible. The last thing he wants is to have to say hi and grit his teeth through polite conversation and — 

“Shane?”

_Fuck_.

Shane looks up and sees Ryan standing just on the other side of the table, a slight frown on his face. Shane can’t tell if Ryan is confused at finding him here or unhappy to see him, but either way Shane plasters on a fake smile and pumps enthusiasm into his voice as he says, “Oh hey! Ryan. Funny running into you.” Shane’s eyes fall on Ryan and Christopher’s hands, fingers laced together, before Shane forces himself to look at the unfairly handsome man and say, “And Christopher. Hey.”

“Hey, man,” Christopher says with a grin, teeth perfectly straight and white. Shane can already imagine the way Ryan’s dad would compliment them. “What’re you up to?”

Shane resists the urge to roll his eyes. He points at the laptop in front of him and says, “Just catching up on some work. Enjoying some coffee.” He doesn’t want to ask. He doesn’t want to _know,_ but his stupid Midwestern manners win out in the end and he asks, “What about you guys? What are you up to?

Christopher says, “We were just about to head to the park.”

“That’s nice.” Shane just wants this conversation to be fucking over already.

“Do you want to come with us?” Christopher asks, and the worst part is that Shane can tell that he means it.

“Oh, uh, no. No, thank you. I would hate to impose.”

“It wouldn’t be imposing. C’mon, it’ll be fun! Ryan’s always talking about you. We should get to know each other.”

The fake smile on Shane’s face is starting to hurt, and a lie comes quickly as he says, “We definitely should, but, uh, I already have plans to meet up with my friend Curly. Next time though. For sure.”

“Definitely!” Christopher says.

“You’re meeting up with Curly?” Ryan asks with an odd tone that Shane can’t quite decipher. Shane hopes it’s not too obvious that he’s lying. 

“Yeah. We’re gonna hang out. Nothing special.”

“You two sure have been seeing a lot of each other lately.”

Shane’s eyebrows raise slightly in surprise. He hadn’t thought Ryan would notice that. It’s true that he and Curly have been hanging out more. Curly doesn’t mention Ryan, letting Shane pretend like things are fine. Shane shrugs a shoulder and says, “Yeah, I guess we have.”

“Well tell him hi for me,” Ryan says before tugging on Christopher’s hand. A signal to get going. “I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll tell him,” Shane says. “Bye.”

Christopher gives him one last dazzling smile and happily follows Ryan. 

Shane lets the smile drop from his face as the door closes behind them. 

***

They begin filming Puppet History and juggle pre-production for the upcoming season of Unsolved. They have late afternoon meetings to try and come up with a weekly podcast to add to the lineup. They’re busy, which is probably why Shane doesn’t notice until the last week of March that the otter magnet isn’t on the fridge anymore. 

Shane tells himself not to read into that. After all, there are plenty of explanations for that. Maybe Ryan just wanted to put it somewhere else. Maybe it simply fell and broke. But the next morning Shane instantly checks for the blue bracelet. Ryan isn’t wearing it. The crystal is gone from his desk, too.

Shane breathes a sigh of relief, feeling himself relax just a tiny bit. He’d been terrified, he realizes. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done if Christopher had become a permanent presence. 

Questions burn on Shane’s tongue. What happened? Are you okay? What does this mean for us? But something keeps his jaw clenched shut every time he comes close to asking. Ryan has been so closed off about this dating thing — with Shane that is. Ryan has no problem talking to everyone else about it. Shane has accidentally eavesdropped enough times in their tiny office to know that.

Ryan must have his reasons, and it's not like Shane is eager to hear all of the details about his dating life, anyway. It does feel strange, though, knowing that Ryan is choosing to keep things from him. And sometimes, when Shane is alone — which is often these days — he wonders if this is how growing apart starts. It must be.

But Shane doesn’t ask, and Ryan doesn’t say. And then one night, Shane wakes up to the sound of his door gently opening. It’s a familiar sound, and he automatically thinks _Ryan._ He scoots over, making room.

“Hey,” Shane says as Ryan pulls back the covers and lays down beside him. “What was it this time?”

Ryan sighs. “Serial killer. He broke in and was murdering you.”

“Hmm. It’s concerning how often I die in your dreams. If I woke up to see you hovering over me holding a knife, I wouldn’t even be surprised.”

“I can’t afford this place on my own, so. You’re safe for now.”

Shane chuckles, a rush of joy flooding him. He misses this, the intimacy of the moment. The last time Ryan came to him after a nightmare, Shane had thoughtlessly wrapped an arm around him. They’d fallen asleep pressed close together. That almost seems like another lifetime ago.

Now there is space between them. Shane is pretty sure he isn’t allowed to do that anymore. But at least Ryan is here. At least Shane’s presence is still comforting enough for him to seek out in the middle of the night. Perhaps things aren’t irreparable yet. 

They lay there in silence for several long minutes. Ryan’s breathing hasn’t evened out yet. Shane gathers the little courage he possesses and finally asks, “So… what happened with Christopher?” 

Ryan sighs, and it takes him a moment to answer. “He was just… I don’t know. I think maybe he was more into me than I was into him. It seemed like he wanted things to be more official between us, and so I called it off.”

Shane never thought he’d feel pity for Christopher, yet he instantly feels sorry for the guy. He can vividly imagine how he’s probably feeling right now. 

His heart begins to race as he wonders if now is the right time to tell Ryan how he feels. But what if it’s a complete disaster? What if Ryan turns him down? Shane doesn’t think he could bear it.

“Are you disappointed?” Shane asks, trying to hold himself together.

“A little. He was really nice.”

_Tell him,_ Shane thinks even as his heart hammers in panic at his chest. He knows that not telling him will only lead to eventually losing him. He knows that the risks are beyond dangerous, but Ryan is here. That must count for something. _Tell him._

Then Ryan sighs again and says, “But I haven’t given up yet. I’ve got a date tomorrow lined up and then one for Friday. I’ll find someone.”

Shane’s heart sinks to the floor. Right. Ryan couldn’t have made it more clear that he doesn’t want Shane anymore. Not like that.

He needs to give up his foolish hope.

**A YEAR AGO: To All Who Come to This Happy Place**

Ryan had practically been buzzing with excitement when the plane touched down in Orlando. From the very beginning, when they’d first started spitballing ideas for Watcher, this had always been one of them: a documentary style series that delved deep into the devotion people have for the Disney parks. Shane had joked that the project was just a clever way to get the company to pay for his theme park obsession, but he knew it wasn’t true.

The passion Ryan threw into it had been impressive. He had come up with a list of people to interview, had directed gorgeous footage of Disneyland, and given a great video-essay type speech about his own feelings towards the parks. And as their small crew headed to the Disney World resorts on their second leg of the project, Shane felt proud of Ryan for so freely exposing such a big part of his heart to the world

They spent a week and a half filming and doing more interviews. Shane stayed behind the cameras the whole time. It was completely Ryan’s project, and Shane was merely there to help.

Well. To help and also because wherever Ryan went, Shane usually wasn’t far behind. It had never even been up for discussion as the project was being developed. It had just been assumed that Shane would form part of the crew.

“You guys creep me out sometimes,” TJ had joked when, for the millionth time, he’d witnessed them communicating via eyebrows, vague hand motions, and half-finished sentences. “It’s like you can read each other’s minds.”

It was true that most of the time, Shane could glance at Ryan’s face and know what he was thinking. And yes, he could anticipate a lot of Ryan’s needs and could practically feel when Ryan’s mood shifted. Working closely together and then _living_ together does that to you. 

Not that they were always perfectly in sync — far from it. Things between them were shifting. Sometimes Ryan stood so close and there was a new spark each time they touched and Shane could only hope that it meant the same thing to Ryan as it did to him.

But even as his stomach flooded with a rush of excitement every time they grinned at each other, he also felt the weight of all of the consequences and implications that he hadn’t figured out yet. If they got together and something went wrong, it would destroy everything. They were at the edge of a cliff and a jump couldn’t be undone. 

Which is why, on their last day at the parks, Shane hesitated.

They were in Animal Kingdom that night. It had been a long day of walking and filming, but now they were alone, no cameras, no one else watching. It was almost closing time, and most of the families had packed up and gone back to their hotels. There was hardly anyone around as they wandered into the Pandora section of the park.

The bioluminescent looking plants around them gave the whole area a completely new look, making Shane feel as if they really had escaped Earth and run off somewhere completely new. Some place where real life couldn’t catch them.

Ryan said, “I almost don’t want to leave.”

“You wanna spend the night here? The lions are gonna get you.”

Ryan laughed and gave him a light shove. “The lions don’t roam around at night.”

“Yes they do. They’re kings. Kings get to do whatever they want. You’re acting like you’ve never seen the Lion King before.”

“Do you think they get to ride all of the rides?”

“Yeah. They love rollercoasters.”

“You’re so dumb,” Ryan said, and it sounded so fond that Shane’s heart glowed warm with it.

They were standing so close together, tucked away in a little corner, just enjoying the views. There was just enough light glowing around them to let Shane see when Ryan turned to look at him. Shane stared back. Their faces were so close together. Ryan didn’t back away. His eyes looked down to Shane’s mouth before returning to his eyes.

Shane’s heart thumped hard in his chest. He wanted to kiss Ryan. Ryan obviously wanted to kiss him too. But what would that mean? What would that do? And what if everything that they were, everything they’d worked so hard for — what if it was all ruined?

Shane didn’t move. The seconds dragged on until the silence became painful. And then Ryan looked away, the spell broken. 

Ryan took a few steps forward and said in a light tone, “We should probably start heading out.” He sounded normal but there was a slight slump to his shoulders that wasn’t there before.

“Okay,” Shane said, not knowing how to get them back to that moment.

Shane kept replaying everything in his head over and over as they started walking towards the exit. Regret swept over him. It just hadn’t been the right time. Or had it? Shane had no idea, and with each step away from the moment, it all felt more and more muddled.

_Next time_ , Shane thought. _Next time I’ll be ready._

**APRIL**

Shane wakes up Saturday morning and groans in annoyance when he sees it’s still early. He’s not sure what woke him up until he hears it again: the faint sound of their kitchen cabinets gently opening and closing.

Ryan was still out on his date when Shane had gone to bed last night. He’s surprised Ryan would be up this early. 

He drags himself out of bed and is still blinking awake as he heads to the kitchen. Then he freezes as he quickly sees that it is not Ryan standing there.

The guy is slim, his hair dyed blond in a careless, punk rock way. He has an earring dangling from his right ear and is wearing only boxers and a red tank top that Shane recognizes as Ryan’s. The man is holding a glass of water, and he smiles casually at Shane, like this isn't weird, and says, "Hey."

"Um… hi?"

"I'm Julio. Nice to meet you."

Shane hasn't heard of him, but he can put two and two together. He pushes down the anger and the misery and the jealousy welling up in him and says, "Uh, yeah. You too. I'm Shane."

"Yeah, I googled Ryan before our date and saw some of your videos. You’re super funny. I love the gay oars.”

“Thanks,” Shane says, trying to find a way out of this conversation. 

“Sorry for just staying over unexpectedly. My roommates had this weird thing going on, and I really didn’t wanna head home. Ryan said it would be okay, but I know it can still be weird.”

“It’s fine,” Shane lies, his stupid people pleasing genes winning the battle. “I’m just — I’ll be in my room.”

Shane has only taken one step when Ryan’s bedroom door opens, and Ryan comes out, hair messy and wearing boxers and a t-shirt. His eyes widen a tiny fraction when he spots Shane. 

“Shane,” Ryan says as he walks towards him. His eyes go to Julio before awkwardly asking, “I’m guessing you met Julio?”

“Yeah,” Shane says. 

“Cool, cool,” Ryan says, shifting from one foot to the other and crossing his arms.

Shane doesn’t know what to do. This has never happened before. Shane has never been the dating kind, and Ryan had never brought another guy into their place before. They’ve never talked about whether this sort of thing would be okay. 

“I don’t mean to be too forward,” Julio says, “but how about we grab some breakfast?”

“Breakfast sounds good,” Ryan says.

Julio smiles and turns to Shane. “How about it?”

“I’ve got work to catch up on,” Shane says quickly. 

“You sure? I know a place nearby that does incredible breakfast quiches.”

Ryan says, “Shane does love a good quiche.”

“Great!” Julio grins. “Let’s get dressed and go then.”

Shane’s stuttered protests go ignored as Ryan and Julio head back to Ryan’s room, and thirty minutes later Shane finds himself in a booth sitting across from them.

This should be horribly awkward and mortifying. Shane doesn’t _want_ to hang out with the guy that Ryan brought home last night. And yet, Julio acts completely casual and comfortable, smooth and charming. If he notices that Shane and Ryan are a little stiff, he doesn’t mention it, and the conversation flows surprisingly well between the three of them.

Shane hates that he kind of likes him. Julio tells them about his work with a vote reform organization, launching into a mini-speech that leaves Shane feeling inspired. He’s naturally charismatic and funny, his expressions and cadence perfectly mixed to deliver a good story. If Shane wasn’t so fucking jealous of the guy, he’d tell Ryan that he clearly had a winner on his hands.

“I’ve got four roommates and only one bathroom,” Julio says towards the end of their meal. “It’s a total nightmare. That’s probably the worst part about breaking up with my ex. It hurt to lose him, but our tub was the love of my life."

“That’s a lot of roommates,” Shane says.

“It’s the worst. I moved in ‘cause I was pretty desperate for a place, but it’s way too many people in a small apartment. Two of them are a couple, but I’m pretty sure they’re all sleeping together. Sometimes I walk into the living room and there’s just a weird vibe.”

Ryan laughs. “Kind of rude they haven’t asked you to join.”

“They better not,” Julio says with a chuckle. “I don’t trust any of them to have the proper communication skills necessary to actually manage multiple relationships. It’s like a sexy teen romance show every day with them. Let’s just say I’m looking to move out once I’ve found a good place.” He takes a sip of coffee before asking, “Any tips on how to find a good, normal roommate? You two seem to be doing well.”

“Shane’s not normal,” Ryan says, flashing Shane a teasing smile. “He’s obsessed with dead butterflies encased in glass. That’s some serial killer shit.”

Shane scoffs. "Oh that's rich! You literally created a show to talk about murders and ghosts."

"Which you co-star in!"

"Yeah, but I didn't create it. You're a real sicko, Ryan."

Julio laughs as Ryan flips Shane off. "You guys are fun," he says, turning to look at Ryan with an amused smile.

“We’re contractually obligated to be fun,” Ryan jokes. “We’ve actually considered installing cameras in the living room and livestreaming our conversations.”

Shane adds, “We keep pissing away good content by not filming our lives.”

“Two roommates filming themselves in their living room?” Julio raises an eyebrow. “I’ve definitely seen that porno.”

Shane laughs and feels very fucking annoyed that he likes his competition.

***

Julio is around pretty constantly, and Shane doesn’t know what’s worse: Ryan being gone all the time or Ryan being home but with someone else. 

Julio is as nice and as charming as ever, but Shane hates feeling like an outsider in his own apartment. He hates the jealousy that flares in him each time Julio and Ryan touch, no matter how small. He hates how much Ryan laughs around him. He hates how easily Julio could replace him in Ryan's life.

Shane walks around with quiet rage that bursts at every opportunity, and it’s quickly becoming a problem. He’s easily frustrated over little things at work, and he and Ryan keep getting into dumb, petty fights. And Shane knows it’s irrational and he knows it’s making everything worse but he can’t fucking stop himself. The only way he can function is to shove it all down, keeping himself distracted as much as he can, but it makes him a ticking time bomb. 

The countdown has already started as he heads to Curly’s apartment one Sunday. It’s a small, messy studio that has become a sort of second home lately with all of the time Shane now spends in it. He forces a smile as Curly opens the door, ignoring the way his insides feel raw, like they were thrown in a meat grinder and then kicked back into his chest.

Today is the anniversary party for Ryan’s parents. It’s the first big Bergara family event of the year, and — having been warmly invited to all of the Bergara events since moving in with Ryan — Shane had assumed he’d still be going. But instead, he overheard Julio asking what he should bring to the party. He overheard Ryan say that there would be plenty of food and that everyone was excited to meet him. 

Shane waited for Ryan to invite him as well, to reassure him that of course he was still welcomed. That Shane is part of the family. But Ryan didn’t, and when Shane woke up this morning, Ryan had already left.

He tries not to think about it as he and Curly sit on the couch, drinking beers and watching the latest Netflix prestige drama about a woman living by herself on an island. It’s visually stunning, but Shane is having a hard time concentrating. After about an hour, he gives up and tells Curly, “I’m gonna go grab another beer. Want one?” 

Curly nods, and Shane heads to the kitchen. He pulls out two beers and successfully opens one of them. The other one slips from his hand, landing on the floor. It doesn’t shatter completely but it does begin to leak, and Shane thoughtlessly yells, “Fuck!” as a wave of hot, white rage takes over.

He’s mad at himself for dropping it, mad at the stupid bottle for breaking, mad at the whole goddamn universe for being against him on a day like this. He picks it up and grabs some paper towels to soak up the mess. 

“Hey, you okay?” Curly says, standing at the doorway of the kitchen.

“Yeah, sorry.” Shane forces himself to take a deep breath. He tries to beat back the anger, locking it up in its cage in the center of his chest. “I just dropped it.”

Curly hesitates, and Shane braces himself for the question he knows is coming. “How about emotionally? Are you okay there too?”

Shane sighs. “I’m —”

“Don’t say fine, because I just saw you have a mini breakdown over a dropped beer.”

Shane crosses his arms, trying to keep it together, unable to look at Curly. He keeps his eyes on the floor as a new wave of emotions tries to overtake him. He swallows painfully around the lump in his throat. 

Curly asks, “Did something happen?” When Shane doesn’t say anything, Curly says gently, “Earlier I saw that Ryan posted a picture from his parents’ party. You usually go to that, don’t you? Is that what —”

“Yes.”

Curly sighs and says, “Oh, babe.” He quickly walks towards Shane and wraps his arms around him, holding him so tightly and so fiercely that Shane can’t do anything but accept it. He closes his eyes, trying to breathe through the sick ache.

“Thanks,” Shane says when Curly finally lets go. He clears his throat and adds, “I’m just being an idiot. It’ll be okay.”

“You don’t have to pretend like you’re fine all the time, you know. It’s okay to not be okay.”

The words hit Shane, causing him to nearly wince. He knows that is probably true and probably good advice, but he needs to be able to still be best friends on screen with Ryan and pretend like things are still great. Everything depends on that. He doesn’t know what could happen if he actually let himself fall apart.

Curly’s eyes are kind when Shane finally looks at him. Maybe that’s what makes him admit, “It just sucks seeing him with someone else.”

“Of course it does. Have you considered moving out? Hopefully get enough distance to start healing.”

Shane shakes his head. “I don’t want to.”

“Why not? You want to keep torturing yourself?”

“Ryan’s already putting in enough distance for the two of us. He doesn’t need my help. And I just…” Shane runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back, frustrated that he can’t find the words to describe the jumbled thoughts and feelings going through him. “I know it’s stupid, but I would rather suffer than give up on him. If he falls in love and moves out then I’ll have no choice, but until then… I’m not going to be the one to leave first.”

Curly sighs. “Alright. If that’s what you want, then that’s up to you.”

In a small voice that betrays him, Shane says, “Thanks. For everything, I mean.”

Curly smiles. “Any time.” 

**MAY**

“Hey, so like, are you okay?” Steven asks. They’re at a restaurant not too far from the office, just the two of them. Shane hadn’t thought it weird when Steven asked him to grab lunch, but now, with Steven looking at him intensely, Shane realizes this was obviously planned. 

“Yeah,” Shane says in his most casual voice, giving a little shrug like he has no idea what Steven is talking about. “I’m doing pretty good. Why?”

Steven looks skeptical. “You’ve been a bit off lately. Are you sure there isn’t anything you want to talk about?”

“I’m peachy.”

“And everything’s okay with Ryan? Because Katie was telling me that she feels like the vibe is off with mom and dad, and I wanna make sure you guys aren’t having any marital issues.”

More harshly than he means to, Shane says, “We’re not actually married,” and then instantly feels guilty as Steven’s eyes widen. “We’re fine. There’s nothing going on. We just — I mean, we haven’t spent that much time together outside of work in a while since Ryan’s always busy, but it’s fine. We’re fine.”

“Oh- _kay_. So it’s just Ryan dating that has you like this?”

“Like how? I’m totally normal — by my standards, that is. I’m a weird guy, and you knew that when you started a company with me.”

Steven rolls his eyes and takes a bite of his sandwich. He chews for a moment before saying, “You just seem kinda sad lately.”

“I’m fine,” Shane insists, and idly wonders if this is the millionth time he’s said it. “I’ve just got sad looking eyes.”

“I’m being serious here. Do you have a problem with Ryan dating?”

“Why would I have a problem with that?”

Steven studies his face carefully, like he’s trying to crack a code. Shane forces himself to hold still and look right back at him. “What if you…” Steven visibly hesitates, like he’s picking his words carefully. “I mean, have you ever considered… dating Ryan?” 

“No,” Shane says quickly, with the panicked tone of a liar. “We’re just friends.”

“Yeah, but if you don’t like him going out with other guys, maybe —” 

“It’s fine. I don’t mind him dating. It’s just an adjustment in our friendship, but I’m glad Ryan’s finally getting back out there. I’m happy for him.”

Steven almost looks disappointed, but to Shane’s relief he lets it go. “Okay. Well, I'm glad everything is fine, then. But you do know that if you ever need to like, talk or anything, I’m here for you.”

“I know,” Shane says, and he hopes that Steven can tell that he means it. “You’re a sweet one, Stevie. Hey, by the way, did that vineyard place sign the contract yet?”

“They did,” Steven says with enthusiasm and lets the conversation flow back to safer topics. 

The rest of their lunch is fine, but it troubles Shane to know that apparently everyone can tell something is off between them. That perhaps his heartbreak isn't that private. Back at the office, he suddenly realizes that Katie glances up at him every so often. He notices that the office is a little quieter than it used to be. 

Guilt settles in his stomach. It’s true that there’s a tension between him and Ryan that never existed before. Shane is quicker to snap at him. They keep having petty squabbles. He knows that Ryan doesn’t deserve it, knows that he’s the one causing this trouble, but the ugly, selfish feeling that has taken up residence in his chest doesn’t let him stop. He doesn’t like admitting it even to himself, but he is hurting.

The world doesn’t suddenly come to a halt just because of his personal problems, though, and he finds himself stressing out over their two-parter episode for Weird Wonderful World. Filming is always stressful, but WWW in particular makes him feel like he’s being pulled in too many directions. There’s so much to balance, so much to think about, too much that can go wrong, and on top of that, he has to smile for the camera and pretend like his epic friendship with Ryan hasn’t changed at all.

They arrive bright and early at Moongarden Vineyard, ready to start filming. The large estate has luxurious rooms, a spa, a fancy restaurant, and of course, wine tastings. TJ lets out a whistle as they enter the impressive lobby to check in. Shane is already trying his best to not get overwhelmed by just how much filming needs to get done today.

Time moves pretty quickly as he and Ryan go from one activity to the next. Ryan is in a good mood, and his energy is infectious enough that Shane feels himself relax a little as the day goes on. They tour the large estate with the manager of the property. They film a spa segment with robes and special face masks. They learn about different wines, get to see how they're made, and taste them.

By the time they resume filming for dinner, it almost feels as if things between him and Ryan are normal, like they used to be. They’re good at this, at performing for the cameras. Like a vaudeville act they can switch on and off. They’re both dressed up to match the fancy ambiance of their upscale dining experience, and it’s only when the cameras are already rolling that Shane realizes that this probably looks an awful lot like a date. 

There are candles on the table and a fire roaring in the chimney, creating rather romantic lighting. There’s more wine, and Ryan looks so fucking good that Shane is grateful that they’re surrounded by the crew filming them. It provides a bit of a distraction, at least. They say their dumb jokes and eat their dinner, and Shane tries to ignore the way his heart goes mushy every time Ryan laughs. 

Everyone is exhausted by the time they call it a day. Shane and Ryan wave goodbye to the crew as they split up and go to their room for the night. They’d already filmed a little tour of the room earlier and ooh’d and ah’d as agreed upon by the contract. Now as they step inside the room, with no cameras watching, Shane throws himself on one of the beds and feels like he could fall asleep then and there.

“Mmm, so tired,” he complains and opens his eyes just in time to see Ryan take off his shirt. Shane’s heart flips. 

“It was a long day,” Ryan agrees. “I’m gonna take a quick shower. Do you need the bathroom?”

“No. It’s fine.”

“Cool,” Ryan says and takes off his jeans, leaving him in just his boxers. 

Shane quickly looks away. He’s seen Ryan in his underwear plenty of times. It’s not unusual to see him in his boxers around the apartment every now and then. Ryan isn’t exactly shy. But for some reason this feels different. Here, in this hotel room, removed from their every day lives, he feels as though he needs to hold himself tighter or risk doing something very, very stupid. 

He needs air. He needs to get it together. As soon as Ryan enters the bathroom and the shower turns on, Shane steps out onto the balcony and sits down in one of the two chairs. He takes a deep breath, letting the cool air fill his lungs and begging his heart to stop fucking wanting things it can’t have. It does no good to think about _what ifs_ or _maybes._ There is only the real. There is only the now.

The moon is a beautiful crescent, smiling in the sky despite all of the fucked up things happening down below. Shane stares at it as he tries to empty out the sad feeling pooling in the middle of his chest. Telling Ryan about his feelings won’t solve this. It’ll just make things worse. Why is it, then, that a part of him is dying to tell him? 

He’s startled when the balcony door eventually opens, his thoughts completely elsewhere. Ryan chuckles and says, “It’s just me.”

Ryan’s hair is still damp. He’s in a peach-colored tank top and boxers, and he sits down on the empty chair next to Shane. His profile is so familiar, and Shane loves him so damn much. 

Shane makes himself look away. They sit in silence for a while, but it doesn’t feel as comfortable as it used to. The restless feeling under his skin is hard to ignore, and Shane has to keep reminding himself where these new boundaries are. Eventually he can’t take the silence anymore and says, “Good job filming today, by the way. You were great.”

“You too. You really kept things running smoothly.”

Shane does a dramatic hand gesture, like a little king accepting the adoration of his subjects, and Ryan laughs. “Thank you, thank you,” Shane says. “I make it look effortless, but really, I’m just extremely talented.”

“And humble.”

“Oh so incredibly humble.” Shane takes a little bow, and Ryan reaches over to punch him in the shoulder as retaliation. “Ow! No hitting, Bergoose!”

Ryan just laughs again, not even a little sorry. “You’re such a dork.”

“Well I’m sorry I can’t be cool like Julio,” Shane says without thinking. He winces internally, regretting how fucking transparent that makes him. 

But Ryan just scrunches up his nose and says, “I didn’t tell you? He got back together with his ex.”

“What? When?”

“Like four days ago. I thought we were just grabbing dinner, but then he starts telling me how he and his ex have been talking and have decided to give it another chance.”

“Fuck him!” Shane says fiercely, indignant on Ryan’s behalf. 

Ryan breathes out a soft laugh and looks at Shane with warm eyes as he says, “Thanks, but he was so nice about it that I couldn’t even be mad. We agreed to stay friends. I mean, I wasn't in love with him or anything. I liked him, but I think my ego is what’s really hurt, more than anything.”

“Well he’s an idiot. And you know what? I didn’t want to tell you this earlier, but his hair was dumb. It looked stupid as hell.”

“I thought it looked pretty cool.”

“No, we’re supposed to trash him now. I’m supposed to say he was probably a serial killer, and you agree and feel comforted by my statement.”

Ryan’s grin widens. “Okay, fine. His hair was dumb and so was his earring. And my mom didn’t like him, so it probably would’ve never worked out anyway.”

“She didn’t?” Shane asks, his heart squeezing in his chest.

“Yeah no, she didn’t. She said I should’ve brought you to the party instead.”

Shane’s heart stops. _Why didn’t you?_ He wants to ask, but the words catch in his throat. That’s a selfish question to ask. It’s one Ryan probably doesn’t want to hear. So Shane swallows them down and tries to keep his voice casual as he says, “Your mom loves me the most out of everyone. I’m her favorite.”

“That’s probably true. The first thing she said when I got there was ‘where’s Shane?’”

“I was at Curly’s. We watched that new island movie and then a documentary about political marriages. They were pretty good.”

Something in Ryan’s face changes, his smile going from easy to tight, his eyebrows furrowing the tiniest bit. His voice sounds off as he says, “Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

“Are you and Curly, like… a thing?”

“A thing?”

“Yeah.”

“If you mean a wonderful and supportive friendship, then yes. Curly and I are _a thing.”_

There’s an accusatory edge to Ryan’s voice as he asks, “Just friends?”

_“Best_ friends,” Shane says jokingly, but now Ryan looks genuinely annoyed, all fake smiles dropped. 

“You can’t be Curly’s best friend,” Ryan says sternly.

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re _my_ best friend.”

The words make fireworks explode in Shane’s chest. He hadn’t known how much he needed to hear them, how much he needed that reassurance that despite all of the months of encroaching distance, he still held that title. Shane smiles — can’t stop himself from doing it — and says, “I didn’t realize we were still in middle school.”

Ryan makes an indignant sound and reaches over to slap at Shane’s leg, no real force behind it. “You’re such an asshole!”

Shane laughs and catches Ryan’s hand before it can slap his leg again. “Hey, don’t fucking call your best friend an asshole.”

“Then stop being one!” Ryan doesn't pull his hand away from Shane's. Ryan smiles and asks, “Am I?”

“Yeah, you’re an asshole too.”

“No! Am I your best friend?” His eyes are on Shane’s face, serious despite the light tone of his voice. 

Shane doesn’t know how Ryan could possibly ever doubt it. It wasn’t Shane that pulled away all those months ago. Still, he says, “Of course.”

Ryan squeezes his hand and grins. “Good.”

It would be easy to lace their fingers together, to ruin this moment with just a sentence. Shane could admit his feelings, could be reckless, and gamble it all on the terrifying chance that maybe Ryan could want something more than friendship from him. There are so many things that Shane could say. 

But he doesn’t.

And then Ryan pulls his hand away and stands up. He stretches and says, “We should probably go to sleep. We’ve got another long day of filming tomorrow.”

And right, right, they still have a job to do. They have a contract to fulfill and content to create, and Shane would have to be a real selfish bastard to forget that and set fire to their lives by admitting his stupid feelings.

**THREE YEARS AGO: A New Routine**

Filming on the road had always simultaneously been the best part of the job and the worst. He’d gotten to see and do so many incredible things. The crew always became a little road family, and he got to be an idiot with Ryan for a living. But they also had to survive on fast food and drive for hours and run on an unhealthy amount of sleep.

And it was during a two week long shoot that it happened.

They’d been living together for a few months by that point, and things overall had been pretty smooth except for Ryan’s mega nightmares, as Shane called them. Ryan would get a nightmare horrifying enough that he’d wake up in the middle of the night, practically shivering with anxiety. He'd get the crazy eyes and Shane would wake up to the sound of him roaming around the apartment, checking closets and paranoid about every tiny sound. 

It had been a little funny the first time it happened. It had been amusing the second time. But by the third, they got into a fight with Shane ordering Ryan to go to bed, and all that got him was Ryan being sleepy and grumpy the next day. And that's how things had stayed, with Shane feeling helpless and frustrated by these mega nightmares and Ryan practically useless the next day from staying up all night.

They were sharing a motel room in Ohio. They’d had a full day of filming yesterday and hadn’t really gotten a chance to catch a proper nap during the day. Shane felt incredibly exhausted and just wanted a good night's sleep.

Then Ryan gasped awake around two in the morning. The sound dragged Shane out of sleep. Ryan’s breathing was shallow.

"Hey," Shane said, and he hears Ryan startle and whip around to face him. It was too dark to really see his face, but Shane could perfectly picture it anyway.

“Sorry,” Ryan said, sounding embarrassed. It made Shane’s heart turn to goop. "I'll be quiet, I promise. I'll let you sleep." 

"Will _you_ be able to sleep?"

It took a second before Ryan answered, voice small, "No."

Shane sighed. They had another long day of filming ahead of them tomorrow. He couldn’t just let Ryan stay awake all night. He asked, "What did you dream about?" 

"We were being chased by a demon. Then suddenly the floor disappeared, and we were falling into like, some sort of volcano or something. My body did that thing where I could feel myself falling.”

A thought suddenly occurred to Shane, a memory of himself as a kid going to his brother’s room after a nightmare. Just having someone next to him was enough to let him go back to sleep. Would that work? Ryan wasn’t five years old, but what could it hurt?

"Come here," Shane said, scooting over on the bed and lifting the covers. 

"What?"

"Come here," he said again, determined not to let this be weird. They had shared a bed before plenty of times. Why not now?

Ryan hesitated for a moment before getting up and going to Shane’s bed. He laid down and pulled the covers up. They stayed still for a moment, not saying anything. Then Ryan shifted, wiggling a little closer until their shoulders touched. Shane didn’t pull away. If Ryan needed that reassurance, then Shane was happy to give it.

His eyelids grew heavy quickly, his breathing evening out. The last thing he remembered thinking was that Ryan’s breathing sounded pretty even too and feeling glad that it had worked.

And so a new routine was born.

**JUNE**

Monday morning goes by in a swirl of emails and scheduling and editing, and he’s surprised when he looks at the time and sees it’s already ten past noon. He takes off his headphones and looks around but doesn’t see Ryan.

“Where’s Beef Boy?” Shane asks Steven. 

“His lunch date picked him up. Have you met the guy? Tobey or something like that?”

A sinking feeling hits Shane, even as he tries to keep his face neutral. “No.”

“I saw his car from the window. It’s _really_ nice. I was pretty impressed, actually.”

“I forget you’re a gear-head.” Shane makes an overexaggerated eye roll and sighs. “How tragically heterosexual.” And then, to move the conversation to safer waters, he quickly asks, “Lunch? Katie, you in? Let’s grab lunch.”

They pile into Katie’s car and go grab burgers, and if Shane’s a little more quiet than usual, they don’t mention it. They eat and talk about filming the rest of the WWW season — _and the thing is that Ryan fucking never tells him anything anymore._

When the hell did that happen? When did they go from knowing everything about each other to Shane not knowing anything?

“Shane? _Shane?”_ Katie’s voice finally breaks through, and Shane snaps out of it, realizing the car is parked back at the office. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I must’ve zoned out.” Shane slaps on a smile that leaves Katie looking unconvinced and quickly gets out of the car.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Katie asks again as they're walking back towards their building.

Shane says, "Never been better."

Katie shoots him concerned looks the rest of the day, but Shane deliberately ignores all of them. He ignores Ryan, too, when he comes back from his dumb date with a smile on his face like he had _such_ a great time. Shane turns up the volume on his headphones to drown out Ryan telling Katie and Steven all about it. 

No matter how much Shane wants to block it all out, though, it’s not long until Friday rolls around and Shane finds himself peeking through the blinds to get a glimpse of this guy. His name is Tommy, and his dumb car does look weirdly shiny and expensive. He takes Ryan to a fancy restaurant, which Shane knows because Ryan posts pictures of the place on Instagram. 

Shane ends up obsessively scrolling through Tommy’s Instagram account all afternoon, which is a huge mistake. It does nothing but make his blood boil with spite. There’s countless overly posed photos of Tommy on the beach in France, in Italy, in Mexico, in Thailand. He’s not bad looking, if you’re into a preppy, I-definitely-went-to-boarding-school look. 

The logical part of Shane’s brain tells him that he’s a selfish bastard for not being happy for Ryan. It tells him that Ryan’s wishes deserve to be respected, and Shane should step aside, suffering in silence gracefully. But he can’t — _he can’t._ Each time that Ryan goes out, each time that Shane notices all of the little ways they’re growing apart, each time he sees a love bite peeking out from Ryan’s collar, it eats away at him.

His relationship with Ryan is cracking and he knows it, but he can’t stop himself.

And so, two weeks later, as he leans against the doorway of Ryan’s room with his arms crossed, he says, “How can you be sure Mr. Moneybags isn’t some sort of murderer?” It comes out more spiteful than he means it to. 

“I’m not completely sure,” Ryan says, ignoring Shane’s dark mood, “but I’m willing to find out.” He continues packing for his three day weekend getaway, and Shane feels desperate and helpless.

“A lot of bad things happen on boats. You’ve seen _Jaws_.”

“Several times, yes, but I still think it’ll be fun.” He holds up two t-shirts, a blue one with Paddington Bear and a plain red one. “Which one should I take?”

Shane is fond of the Paddington Bear shirt. He was there when Ryan bought it during their first trip to London. “The red one.”

Ryan tosses the Paddington shirt to the foot of his bed, abandoned, and haphazardly folds the red one and places it in his bag. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think we’re really sailing anywhere. I think it’s mostly just spending time on the boat, relaxing, swimming. That kind of stuff.”

“Rich people things.” Shane can hear how petty he sounds, but he still can’t stop himself from adding, “I thought Steven was the only fancy Watcher boy. Now we’ll have two. Private yachts and caviar and champagne.” 

“I’ll let you know how gold flakes taste when sprinkled over lobster.”

“Tommy golfs, doesn’t he?”

“I think he does.”

“I knew it. I’m telling you, Ryan, you can’t trust rich folks. They hunt people for sport.”

There’s a slightly annoyed tone to Ryan’s voice now when he says, “I’m a fast swimmer. Look, Tommy’s nice. He comes from money, yeah, but he’s not a Republican or anything. Do you really think I would date someone with fucked up views?”

If Shane was smarter or kinder, he would let it go. But he’s hurt and he’s jealous and he’s no goddamn saint, so he says, “I just don’t trust the rich, is all I’m saying. But hey, I’ve said my piece and if you want to take the risk that’s on you. If the police call this weekend to say you’ve gone missing, I’m not answering the phone. Curly and I have plans.”

Ryan frowns and there’s indignation in his voice as he asks, “So you’d just let my body go unclaimed? That’s what you’re saying?”

Shane shrugs a shoulder and tries to look bored. “Yeah.”

“That’s real nice to hear, pal. Thanks.”

Shane grits his teeth. He wants to say _I’m sorry_ and _please don’t go._ But the words that come out instead are, “It was nice knowing ya,” before turning around and heading to his room. 

Fifteen minutes or so later, he hears the sound of the front door opening and closing. Ryan didn’t say goodbye.

***

Shane isn't sure if they're in a fight or not. They haven't ever really fought before, not in a way that actually mattered. They're too similar to have huge disagreements about fundamental things — the supernatural excluded — and when they do bother to argue, it's usually over petty things. Arguments have never lingered before.

But they haven't talked all weekend. It’s the longest they’ve gone without talking since they moved in together. Usually, at the very least, they have to coordinate about Watcher duties and problems, but Ryan sent out an email to everyone saying he was going to be unavailable and to not even include him in the group emails or messages. Shane spent the entire weekend looking at all of the beautiful pictures Ryan uploaded to Instagram. Ryan on a boat, Ryan with Tommy, group pictures of them with some other couple. Sunsets and beautiful dinners and cocktails. 

It’s now Monday morning, and Shane doesn’t know where they stand. He doesn’t know what to do. If it was anyone else, Shane probably wouldn’t even bother. He has lost friends over less — and not even intentionally. You don't speak for a few days, and the days become weeks. The months turn to years before you know it, and then Shane always figured there was no use looking back. But Ryan isn’t just anyone. Shane needs him.

Even if they can never be anything more than friends, the thought of Ryan disappearing from his life fills him with dread and despair. He can’t let that happen.

With that thought in mind, he heads to the kitchen. It’s still early. Shane was already in bed when Ryan came home around midnight. He doesn’t expect Ryan to be up yet. Shane knows he was an asshole. He knows he has to make it right. 

He makes some tea and fries up some eggs and bacon the way he knows Ryan likes them. Shane’s not really that great of a cook, but he manages not to fuck it up. By the time Ryan’s bedroom door opens, the toast is almost ready.

Ryan looks groggy as he drags himself into the kitchen. He stares at Shane for a moment, a confused frown on his face, before asking, "Breakfast?"

"Uh, yeah." Shane suddenly feels nervous and a little embarrassed. This apology offering is so transparent, but when he says, "Sit down. It's ready," Ryan does.

He sets down a plate full of food and a mug of tea in front of Ryan before grabbing his own plate and sitting down too.

"Thanks," Ryan says before taking a bite, and it's only then that Shane feels himself relax a little.

They’re alright. Things aren’t lost, not yet.

“So,” Shane says, scrambling to think of a safe topic. What comes out is, “Did you have a nice time?”

"I did, yeah. No sharks," he jokes with a small, teasing smile. "It was fun. A lot of swimming and hanging out on the deck of the boat. Tommy's best friend and his girlfriend were with us. They were pretty nice.”

Shane forces a smile and says, “I’m glad you had a good time.” It is good. It’s not like Shane wanted Ryan to have a _bad_ time. But…

An ugly, selfish part of him had hoped that maybe Ryan would miss him. That Ryan would look around and realize that this wasn’t where he wanted to be.

“What about you?” Ryan asks in between bites. “What did you do this weekend?”

“Nothing much. Went to see that new Keanu movie with Curly. Got some work done.”

“Oh, that came out already?” Ryan frowns, looking put out. “I really wanted to see it.”

_Then you should’ve been home,_ Shane thinks as he takes a sip of coffee. “It was a good one. Lots of action, but the ending made Curly tear up.” 

There’s a slight pout to Ryan’s bottom lip. “The trailer looked pretty great. Maybe Steven will go see it with me.”

“Tell Tommy to take you.”

“No, uh, we decided it probably wouldn’t work out between us. He was cool and we had fun, but I kinda got the feeling that there was some history between him and his best friend. Like some drama that was going to resurface any moment. I’ve already been cheated on once, so I don’t really want any part of that.”

“Well good for you,” Shane says. “You deserve someone who’s worthy of you. Someone who will really put you first and treat you right.”

An unreadable emotion flashes through Ryan’s face before a smile covers it up. His voice is light as he teases, “Aw, thanks Shaney boy. Look at you being all sappy.”

“Shut up and eat your goddamn eggs,” Shane says in a grouchy voice that makes Ryan laugh.

**TWO YEARS AGO: Filming Unsolved**

“This is nice,” Shane said as they looked around the campsite of the New Jersey Pine Barrens. It was a bit cold out, the afternoon sun providing little warmth, but Shane was in high spirits. It was their first episode they were filming for that season of Unsolved, and everything felt exciting. 

“What the fuck are you talking about? This place is creepy as hell,” Ryan complained, overly dramatic, and from the corner of his eye, Shane could see TJ and Devon smiling. 

“I love nature. It’s peaceful. You can think your thoughts out here.”

“Yeah, we’ll see how much thinking you’re gonna be doing when the Jersey Devil swoops in and steals you away.”

“I hope he does. Can you imagine? It’d be terrifying, but also pretty awesome.”

Ryan shook his head, but he was smiling as he began to set up their tent. “Come and help me, boy scout. You better know how to make a fire, too, or else we’re gonna freeze out here.”

They set up the tent themselves, the Unsolved crew just watching them, giving the illusion to the camera that it was just the two of them alone in the woods. Shane built a fire, leaving Ryan looking impressed, and the banter between the two of them flowed easily.

It turned out to be a pretty great ep. They didn’t find anything — of course — but it was fun to walk around in the dark woods, yelling like idiots. TJ, Devon, and Mark called it a night and went back to their motel around three in the morning, leaving them on their own.

They crawled into their small tent, their sleeping bags side by side. They were still filming with handhelds, the only light coming from their small lantern. Shane felt sleepy and tired, but there was a warm, happy feeling in his chest.

He joked to Ryan, “Y’know, I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t grabbed by a winged demon creature. I was looking forward to it.”

Ryan laughed. “Yeah, that would’ve been cool. But on the other hand, I’m glad you weren’t ‘cause rent is due in two weeks, and I can’t pay it all by myself.”

“You see that, folks?” Shane pointed at the camera, playing it up as Ryan giggled. “I see your comments, everyone saying how sweet it is that we’re best friends who moved in together. Now you know the truth. Ryan’s just using me for rent money. It’s quite sad.”

Ryan grinned and said with fake surprise, “We’re best friends?”

“I thought so, but I guess we’re actually not. I see we’re only friends for the cameras and roommates for money.”

Ryan laughed. “We can be friends for real.”

“Starting now?”

“Starting now,” Ryan confirmed and held up his hand for a high five.

Shane didn’t know how much of this dumb, late night banter would even be useable for the episode, but as their hands slapped together, he didn’t particularly care. 

**JULY**

He’s having an odd dream about wandering around an aquarium when he’s suddenly pulled out of it. Shane blinks awake, momentarily confused, before thinking, _Ryan_.

He gets out of bed and steps out of his room. Ryan is sitting on the couch, only the glow of his phone giving away his location, illuminating his face. Ryan grimaces and says, "Fuck, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I didn't realize the volume was so high and this stupid ad came on —"

"It's okay. What are you doing out here?"

Ryan sighs. "I couldn't sleep."

"A nightmare?" 

Ryan hesitates, silence stretching out awkwardly between them. Shane doesn’t know what to make of it. Finally Ryan says, “You were, uh, caught in an avalanche. You got buried in the snow and I kept trying to find you and dig you out, but you were just gone.”

“Yikes. Well, that’s at least better than the ones where I’m actively murdered.” 

“You should be very careful when skiing.”

Shane can’t help but chuckle at that. “Okay. I actually don’t even know how to ski or snowboard or anything, so I think we’re good.” 

“Good,” Ryan says, and it’s only then that Shane realizes that him sitting in the living room in the middle of the night by himself means that he didn’t go to Shane’s room like usual. He thinks back to the last time Ryan came to him after a nightmare. It was a while ago. Usually Ryan’s nightmares are more frequent than that. 

Shane’s heart sinks. How many nights alone has Ryan spent out here? Is that really better than coming to Shane?

“We’ve, uh… we’ve got filming tomorrow,” Shane says, unsure how else to go about asking. “If you want — I mean, you know you can always come to my room. I don’t mind.”

“I know,” Ryan says. Awkward silence falls on them again before Ryan stands up and says, “You’re right. We should get some sleep or else we’ll look like shit.”

For a second he isn’t sure if Ryan is going to head to his own room or come to Shane’s. But then Ryan walks towards him, and Shane nearly sags with relief. Shane scoffs, pretending to be offended, and says, “Speak for yourself. I always look good on camera.”

Ryan laughs as they walk into Shane’s room. They get under the covers like they’ve done countless times before, but now Shane feels awkward and unsure. When did that happen? When did things between them stop being easy?

Shane’s memory of the Watcher New Years party is a bit hazy thanks to the copious amount of booze he had that night, but he remembers clearly that Ryan was by his side the entire night. He remembers feeling so happy and so proud, surrounded by so many wonderful people that helped create their silly shows. He held the Professor in one hand and held Ryan’s hand with the other as they counted down and rang in the new year. 

He remembers thinking that he was so lucky to get to share everything with the most important person in his life. He remembers them coming home, how he had one arm wrapped around Ryan. They’d both been giggly and ridiculous as they stumbled in. And Ryan asked, “Don’t you wish you’d had someone to kiss at midnight?”

He should’ve told him then. There were a lot of moments where Shane should’ve told him, but that’s the one he regrets the most. Instead Shane answered that he was happy with his life the way it was, which wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the whole truth. 

Shane doesn’t know how they went from that night to this one. He’s scared to think of how much worse the distance between them will get. It’s what gives him the courage to turn on his side to face Ryan and ask, “Hey, are we okay?”

“What?”

“Are we — I mean, are you mad at me or something?”

“No. No, of course not. Why would I be mad at you?”

Shane can’t see Ryan’s face clearly in the dark, but he sounds genuine. Shane feels silly, his face warm as he struggles to put into words everything he’s been thinking. Of course they’re fine. Why was he so worried? Out loud it all sounds so silly.

“I don’t know,” Shane finally says. “I guess… We don’t really talk as often as we used to.”

There’s a beat of silence that bites at Shane’s heart before Ryan says, “I know. But I’m not mad at you or anything. There’s just less time with all of the lame dates I keep going on.”

“Okay. Good. I just…” Shane’s pulse races as he gathers up his courage to confess the most pathetic part of it all. “I miss you.”

“Me too.” Ryan sighs, but Shane can’t tell what that means. It just sounds tired. “Maybe I need a break from the whole dating thing. I thought I was ready, but maybe I’m not. Maybe that’s why it hasn’t been working.”

“A break sounds good,” Shane says as contradictory feelings flood him. He would love for Ryan to be around more, to have his best friend back, but something tells him that there is no going back to how things used to be between them. 

“It does sound good,” Ryan agrees. “I should just focus on myself. Learn to be alone.”

“Right.” Shane doesn’t know what else to say. 

Ryan rolls over so that he’s facing away from Shane and says, “Let’s get some sleep.”

***

“Alright, well, I think we pretty much said all we could on that,” Shane says, looking at Ryan. “Mr. B, what did you pick?”

Shane and Steven are sitting on the same side of the table, with Ryan sitting at the end to Shane’s right. Two cameras are filming this, which Shane doesn’t really like. Recording Here’s What You Do is already his least favorite project, and there’s something extra unpleasant about having to be _on_ for an hour as they give out bland advice.

Shane’s in no position to be giving anyone life advice, considering the state of his own.

Ryan says, “Right, so, this is from someone who wants to remain anonymous so let’s just uh, call her Meg Ryan.”

“Love her,” Shane says.

“She’s the rom-com queen, absolutely. Okay, so Meg writes, ‘Hi guys, love the podcast. I need advice over what to do about my big, dumb crush on my best friends. She and I have been best friends since our childhood. I really can’t imagine my life without her. For some time now I have begun to realize that I have romantic feelings for her. We are really close and spend a lot of time together, but she hasn’t shown any signs of liking me back in that way. I’m scared to ruin our friendship, but sometimes I feel like I can’t hold it back any longer and should just shoot my shot. Please help. Love, Meg Ryan.’”

“Wow,” Steven says. “That’s a tough situation to be in, Meg.”

Shane feels completely frozen, his face carefully blank, as Ryan says, “Yeah, it blows big time.”

Shane is too aware of the cameras capturing every small reaction. His heart is hammering painfully in his chest. He feels as though Ryan just read his diary out loud.

“So this won’t be easy, and it’s really going to suck,” Ryan says with a look of concentration on his face, like he is really choosing his words carefully. “But if you want to keep being best friends with this person, Meg, then the best thing to do is just move on.”

_“What?”_ Steven looks dismayed. “No. No! That’s really bad advice.”

“No, it isn’t! Look, she says in her email that she doesn’t feel like her friend likes her back. If her friendship is that important to her, then she shouldn’t risk it.”

The words hit Shane like an arrow through the heart. It’s so close to the argument he’s been having with himself for months, and he can’t help but chime in with, “I’m simpatico with Ryan on this one.” He clears his throat, hoping his voice comes through as casual and not like he’s basically revealing his heart to the whole goddamn internet. “If she doesn’t like you back, it’ll just make things weird between you. It’s better to just take the L on this one.”

“No, wait, just hold up,” Steven says, putting both hands up as if to physically stop them. “You guys are just assuming that Meg’s friend doesn’t like her back, _but!_ What if she does like her back? What if they’re meant to be together, and she just has to put herself out there?”

Shane shakes his head as he and Ryan exchange equally skeptical looks. Shane says firmly, “Not worth the gamble.”

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” Ryan says.

Steven says fiercely, “But she loves _this_ fish!”

“Yes, but sometimes you love people that just don’t love you back!” Ryan says, his gaze heated now as his voice rises. “And it hurts and it — it feels like you’re never going to love anyone else, but you have to try to let go. Look, I chose this question because I’ve been there. I know how impossible it feels to accept that it’s either move on or waste more time on a fantasy. But you have to do it, you have to actively try to get over them, or else it’ll kill you.”

A sharp pain fills Shane’s chest as he stares at Ryan. He never knew that Ryan had gone through something like this, something so close to what Shane is going through now. For a wild, irrational second, he wishes he could tell Ryan his own secret, that he could talk to his best friend about this heartbreak knowing he would understand. 

And then Steven says, “Well I also know people that have made themselves miserable by not saying how they feel and just assuming they’ll be rejected.”

“But you do sorta know deep down without them telling you,” Shane says. “Actions speak louder than words, and if you’re getting mixed signals or if you think they probably don’t feel the same way, then that’s a huge red flag.”

“Exactly,” Ryan says. “And for Meg, she says that they’ve been best friends since they were kids. It would probably be devastating to lose her over this.”

Steven shakes his head. “If my best friend told me that they were in love with me, I wouldn’t just stop talking to them. If I didn’t feel the same way or couldn’t reciprocate, then it might be a little strange for a while as we navigate through that, but I wouldn’t let that ruin the friendship.”

“People never mean to ruin friendships,” Ryan says. “It just happens. Look, I’m right about this one. Meg, if your friendship is what you want to make sure stays unchanged, then take any sort of hope you have and then just stomp it to death. Meet someone new and then you and your friend can have things be platonic again.”

Ryan looks to Shane as if to indicate he should agree, but Shane only crosses his arms and looks down. He never has any good advice when it comes to relationship questions, but he’s extra out of his depth on this one. Plus, Shane doesn’t agree that it’s something everyone can move on from. What he feels for Ryan is so entrenched that he’s sure a part of him will always be in love with Ryan.

Steven sighs and rolls his eyes. “Okay, well that’s your advice. I personally think you should tell her how you feel. Life is too short to wonder what could’ve been, and um. If she doesn't feel the same way it will hurt for a while, but then at least you tried. And love is worth the risk.”

“Dumb advice,” Shane jokes, and then quickly pushes on through with, “Let us know what you went with Meg. Send us an update. Now let’s move on to _my_ question, which is about picking the right pet for you.”

The rest of the podcast goes by in a flash, and Shane has zero memory of what he even said or did. He just knows he was too loud and too silly in a floundering attempt to hide the fact that he feels like shit. The three of them plus Katie have a meeting to go over the contract for the new sponsor for the upcoming season of Tourist Trapped. Shane then answers several emails and reviews the schedule for filming Top Five and before he knows it Ryan is kicking at his chair and whining, “Hurry up! It’s time to go home!”

Shane still feels off-balanced, but he does his best to act normal as he says, “Alright, alright. I see I’m the only one here dedicated to running this company.”

“I’m just the talent,” Ryan jokes.

“You wish. _I’m_ the talent.”

“ _I’m_ the talent.”

“This is so childish.” Shane stands up and heads for the door. “But I definitely am the most talented one.”

Ryan laughs and follows him out the door. 

The question has been swirling around in his brain all afternoon, and halfway through the drive home, Shane can’t hold it in any longer. Ryan is driving, absentmindedly humming along to the music, when Shane asks, “So who was it?”

“Hmm?” Ryan glances at him for a second, a confused look on his face. “Who was what?"

"From the podcast. That friend you had feelings for."

“Oh.” Ryan rearranges his grip on the steering wheel, clearly uncomfortable, and Shane feels like a real dick for asking. “It was, um, just someone I was close to. Someone in college. You don't know him.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Shane says quickly. “I was just curious. We’ve just never talked about it before.”

“I usually don’t like to bring it up. It’s — it was hard, y’know? It really hurt, and sometimes it still does. I’ve never loved anyone like I did him.” He sneaks another glance at Shane before adding, “But I know I made the right choice in never telling him.”

“Good,” Shane says, and the conversation dies. 

So Ryan has secrets. Shane does too. Ryan has been around more and they're back to spending most of their time together, but the new wall between them has remained. Space and secrets. Things left unsaid. Shane has to learn to live with it.

**A YEAR AGO: A Birthday Call**

At exactly midnight, Shane hit the call button. He was in his parents’ guest bedroom, already tucked into bed. The house was quiet, everyone else asleep, but Shane had stayed up just for this.

“Hello?” Ryan’s voice said.

Shane sang, _“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Beef Boy —”_

“No!”

_“Happy birthday to you.”_

“You know I hate that nickname, you ass!” But Ryan laughed — giggled, really — and he sounded pleased as he said warmly, “But thank you. Even though it’s technically not my birthday yet. It’s not midnight over here.”

“Well it’s midnight for me, and I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday. We also went to Culver’s for dinner so it’s kind of a miracle that I was able to even stay awake this long.”

“Hey, you better not get used to your weird, Midwestern fast food chains, alright? Don’t start getting any ideas about leaving LA.”

“I don’t know, Ryan. Culver’s has cheese curds _and_ frozen custard. I can’t stay away forever.”

“You’re gonna have to, because the apartment feels weird as hell with me just in it. I’m probably not going to let you go next year.”

Shane laughed. “Oh yeah?” He closed his eyes, his heart glowing as his mind perfectly painted a picture of Ryan. His hair was probably messy from running his hands thoughtlessly through it as the day went by. Probably on their couch, legs up on the cushions, probably in an old t-shirt. “You’re gonna forbid it?”

“Yeah, I’ll forbid it. It’s boring.”

“Awww, you miss me,” Shane said in his most obnoxious tone. 

“I do,” Ryan said, making Shane’s heart flip. Shane grinned like an idiot in the dark as Ryan demanded to know, “Do you miss me?”

It would’ve been easy to make a joke. It was right there on the tip of Shane’s tongue to jokingly say no and be funny, because being funny was easier than admitting that Shane had spent all day thinking about him and missing him. 

But Shane admitted, “Yeah. I miss you. Maybe next year you can come with me."

There was a slight pause where Ryan didn't say anything. There was only silence that made Shane worry that maybe he’d shown his cards too much, worried that Ryan would take this moment to crack everything open, that maybe finally they would — 

"I'd like that," Ryan said, and the Ryan that Shane was picturing in his head was grinning. Ryan sounded happy, and Shane felt relieved. "I've never been to a white people Thanksgiving. It'll be fascinating."

Shane laughed and felt stupidly happy. "White Midwestern Thanksgiving is a hoot. We always have at least two salads with mayo in them. There's a lot of ranch. You'll love it."

"I can't wait. I love ranch."

"I know. That's why we buy the big bottle at home. So tell me, what are you doing for your birthday tomorrow? What's the plan?"

Shane wished he could be there with him as he listened to Ryan talk about the Disneyland itinerary he had planned. _Next year will be different,_ he promised himself. Next year, if he was finally brave enough, it would be very, very different. 

**AUGUST**

“I knew they were doing well, but not this well,” Ryan says in a low voice, looking around. “This place is really fucking nice.”

The Try Guys’ new office is _huge_ and beautifully decorated, and Shane nods in agreement. This office warming party, which of course is doubling as a video shoot, is crawling with other BuzzFeed alumni, YouTube stars, and even some actual low level celebrities. It’s pretty fucking impressive.

They’ve been hanging out in a corner by themselves, drinks in hand. Technically they’re on stand-by to film their own little segment for the video, but it feels natural, almost like old times when they’d drift together at parties. Shane feels light and silly and _happy._

Steven walks over towards them and whispers, “Have you guys seen the bathrooms in this place? They are seriously fancy.”

Ryan jokes, “When are we gonna get an office this nice, Papa Lim?”

Shane laughs. “Yeah, don’t we deserve fancy bathrooms too, Papa? We’ll refuse to film more videos until we get a big office.”

“If you want a big office,” Steven says, “then try being funnier so we can get more views. Ever think about that?”

“Uh oh,” Ryan says, “we made Papa angry.”

“So I see you guys are in one of your funny moods, huh?” Steven says, trying to sound stern but betraying himself with a fond smile at the end. 

“Nooo!” Shane says as Ryan laughs. “We’re very serious!”

“Okay, well I’m gonna go find Andrew and leave you to it,” Steven says, already walking away from them.

“Papa!” Shane calls after him. “Don’t abandon your boys!”

Steven only half turns to wave goodbye and keeps walking.

“I can’t believe he’d just leave us like this,” Ryan says, still grinning.

“Eh, we’ll oust him from the company as punishment.”

“And then run it into the ground in a day!”

“Yeah!”

They giggle stupidly together, standing shoulder to shoulder for no reason. There’s plenty of space, but Ryan doesn’t step away. Shane’s stupid heart grabs hold of that detail and the embers in it begin to glow with hope once more. 

They film their segment, answering trivia about the Try Guys and making their usual pleas to check out Watcher. With that done, they mill around the party, moving from group to group saying hi. It feels good to be a duo off screen again. It’s almost like muscle memory, this easy flow between them. They talk in tandem, telling stories of filming and BuzzFeed shenanigans, easily interrupting each other. 

Shane feels really great as he and Ryan are standing by the drinks table. This is the most they’ve connected in months. He glows with the possibility that maybe all is not lost. Which is, of course, when Ryan’s eyes widen and he says, “Oh my god, that’s Kevin Penn. Kevin Penn is here. Oh my god.”

“Who?” Shane says, the name not ringing any bells.

“He wrote the script for _Horizons._ He’s talking with Keith. Oh my god, I can’t believe he’s here.”

Shane turns as subtly as he can to look. His eyes land on a pretty average guy who’s laughing with Keith. Absolutely nothing about him screams successful screenwriter, although looking at him, Shane can kind of remember him being in a Try Guys video before. 

“Go say hi,” Shane says, amused by the way Ryan looks truly star struck. 

Ryan’s eyes widen even more. _“What?_ No! I’d geek out and embarrass myself.”

“Want me to go get his autograph for you?”

“Shut up!” Ryan smacks Shane’s shoulder as Shane laughs. “Quit making fun of me. _Horizons_ was just very good.”

“Don’t I know it. You’ve made me watch it like ten times.”

“And we’ll watch it again as soon as we get home,” Ryan says threateningly, making Shane laugh again. Then Ryan all but hisses, “Oh god, I think he’s walking over here.”

“Really?” Shane says, turning just in time to see that yes, Kevin is definitely walking towards them.

“Hi,” Kevin says as he stops in front of them. “Sorry, am I interrupting?”

“No,” Ryan says quickly. “It’s fine.”

Kevin smiles, his eyes glancing at Shane for only a second before returning to Ryan. He says sheepishly, “I’m Kevin. Sorry, this is probably weird, but I just absolutely had to tell you how much I loved _To All Who Come to This Happy Place._ It’s a masterpiece.”

“You saw it?” Ryan asks, looking like a feather could knock him over.

“Multiple times. And of course, I’ve seen other Watcher videos too,” Kevin says, giving Shane a quick smile, “but I’ve made everyone I know watch _To All.”_

“Wow, that’s —” Ryan’s eyes meet Shane’s, incredulous, and Shane feels a spark of pride in his chest for the praise Ryan is getting. “Thank you! That’s insane. Um, I’m a huge fan of _Horizons._ It’s my favorite movie.”

“It really is,” Shane says. “He made me watch it in theaters three times.”

Kevin’s smile widens. “I’m so glad you enjoyed it. It was my own love letter to the parks. I still kinda can’t believe they actually made it, to be honest.”

The conversation quickly falls into a deep discussion of the Disney parks, and look, Shane is definitely a fan of immersion. He gets it, but Ryan and Kevin’s connection on the subject is far above Shane’s head. They know all the lingo, namedrop Imagineers, and ten minutes in, Shane feels like he's intruding.

"I'm gonna go grab a snack," Shane says, and Ryan only gives him a quick, acknowledging smile before returning to the conversation.

Shane wanders away without any real intention of returning. He figures it's better to let Ryan have this moment. How often does your idol turn out to be your fan? Shane smiles to himself. Of course that would happen to Ryan. 

He finds Steven in a group of ex-BuzzFeeders and spends some time catching up with them, joking and laughing. When he goes to grab another drink an hour or so later, he sees that Kevin and Ryan are sitting together on a couch, completely absorbed in their conversation. Shane decides it’s best to just leave them to it.

He doesn’t really see Ryan for the rest of the party. Despite Ryan’s absence, Shane still has a good time. It’s nice to catch up with everyone. He’s pleasantly tipsy by the time he and Ryan are outside waiting for their Lyft to take them home.

"Did you have a good time meeting your hero?" Shane asks teasingly. 

Ryan says, voice awed, "He asked for my number."

Which is when everything crashes down.

***

Just one week later, Shane finds himself alone in their apartment. Ryan is out on his date with Kevin, which gives Shane plenty of time to go into a deep google dive. 

_Horizons_ has been Kevin’s biggest hit, though he has a some TV episodes and a Lifetime movie under his belt. He's not very active on any of his social media accounts, posting mostly about projects he worked on or the occasional food picture. His Twitter is boring as hell. But much to Shane’s annoyance, Kevin’s is funny and smart as a guest in Eugene’s Rank King series. He watches an interview Kevin did where he talks passionately about films and listens to a podcast where Kevin charms the pants off the hosts. There is no doubt that he and Ryan probably have plenty to talk about.

Midnight strikes, and Ryan isn’t home yet.

A sick, miserable feeling rolls around Shane's stomach, growing worse with every second that Ryan doesn't walk through their door. 

One in the morning comes and goes. Two in the morning. Three. He knows there’s no point in waiting up for him. He does it only to torture himself. It’s not like he can yell at Ryan for coming home late. Shane has no right to be angry, no right to feel like jealousy is boiling his blood.

He doesn't know when he fell asleep, but he wakes up feeling like shit, both emotionally and physically. His back feels sore from sleeping on the couch, and his heart radiates misery as he checks the time and sees that it's already ten in the morning.

The apartment is quiet and completely still. Shane knows that he’s alone, but he’s still disappointed when he opens the door to Ryan’s room and finds it empty.

He debates with himself for a long time before giving up and texting Ryan, _Are you alive?_

Twenty agonizing minutes later, Ryan replies, _Dont worry :)_

A smiley face? A goddamn fucking smiley face? Shane would laugh if he didn’t feel so wretched. 

Ryan doesn’t come home until late that night. He walks in with a dopey looking smile, like he’s walking on clouds. It takes a second for Ryan to even notice him, and when he does, all he says is, “Hey.”

Shane thought he had steeled himself for this moment, but he is completely unprepared. It feels devastating. “Hey,” Shane says flatly. “I take it the date went well?”

Ryan’s smile widens into a grin, and the jealousy Shane feels is overwhelming. He has to look away. He can’t handle this. He can’t, he can’t, _he can’t_ — 

“It was…” Ryan laughs, like he can’t believe his luck. “It was an incredible first date.”

***

“I’m fine,” Shane says as he trails after Curly in the brightly lit store.

“You’re clearly not, babe.” Curly shoots him a look that says _don’t bullshit me,_ before pointing to one of the mannequins. “Oh, that’s cute. I love a good mustard yellow.”

“It’s a nice color,” Shane agrees, but he can tell that his voice comes out flat and detached. 

Curly sighs. “I really thought coming to the mall could cheer you up.”

Shane rests an elbow on one of the racks and puts on a brave face. “I’m just… adjusting.”

“I don’t think you adjust to the guy you’re in love with dating someone else.”

“Who knows,” Shane says with fake airiness. “Maybe I’ll be the first to do so.”

“At the very least move out. Why are you torturing yourself like this? It’s not healthy.”

“I hate moving.” Shane shrugs. “You wanna go get a pretzel?”

Curly rolls his eyes but nonetheless says, “Yeah, pretzel sounds good. Let’s go.”

Curly is the master of easy chatter, talking about a new Finnish reality show he started watching as they head over to the food court. They buy their pretzels and find a table. They chat as they munch on their food, and it all works very well at lulling him into a false sense of security. He really doesn’t see it coming as he’s almost done with his pretzel and Curly asks, “So who is this Kevin guy? What’s his deal?”

Shane stuffs the last bite into his mouth to buy himself a few more seconds, but it’s clear from the look on Curly’s face that he’s gonna make him talk about this no matter what. It’s been two weeks since Ryan met Kevin, and Shane has been doing a pretty admirable job at refusing to admit that he’s been absolutely fucking miserable. If Shane thought Ryan was hardly around before, he had no idea how fucking gone Ryan could be. 

Ryan’s Instagram is full of pictures of him and Kevin at dinner, him and Kevin at Disneyland, him and Kevin at what must be Kevin’s apartment, watching movies. Each picture is a punch to Shane’s heart, but he can’t stop himself from looking at them. Just like he can’t make himself move out or do anything that would help him feel better about this loss.

“He’s a screenwriter,” Shane finally says. “He wrote that _Horizons_ movie about the future, based on that old Disney ride _._ Did you see it?”

“Oh yeah. I saw it. It was okay.”

“Don’t let Ryan hear you say that. He _loved_ it. And now they’re dating, or whatever.”

“That’s awful, babe.”

Shane shrugs a shoulder even as he feels his heart give a painful, anguished throb. “Yeah, well. Good for him, right? He seems happy.” 

And Ryan really does. When Shane gets home late that night, the apartment is empty and there’s a new story posted to Ryan’s Instagram, a short video of Kevin grinning at the camera and doing a silly, little dance. Ryan’s laugh from behind the camera is completely genuine.

So Shane swallows it down, his misery, his old hope — he shoves it all down and refuses to consider any possibility except accepting his punishment.

***

It’s Wednesday morning, and Shane has to take a Lyft to the office. Not having his own car had never really been a problem before. He and Ryan always carpooled to work, and he didn’t go out enough on his own to make the hassle of getting one seem worth it. But Ryan spent the night at Kevin’s again, and the sinking feeling of despair in Shane’s stomach is telling him it’s only going to get worse from here.

When Ryan finally arrives to the office — twenty minutes late — there’s a happy bounce to his step. He grins and says, “Hey kids!” as he walks towards his desk. 

Shane wishes he were selfless enough to be happy for him, but he can’t — _he can’t._ He feels sick with misery and jealousy. He’s angry at Ryan for replacing him and angry at himself for not having been enough. 

“You okay, Shane?” Steven asks, frowning with concern. “You look sick.”

“I’m fine,” Shane says quickly.

He focuses his eyes on the computer screen in front of him. Ryan is looking at him. He can feel his gaze. Shane clenches his jaw.

“Did you not sleep last night?” Ryan asks, sounding worried. It sends a ripple of pain through Shane’s insides.

“I’m fine.”

The air feels tense as Shane keeps refusing to look up, and he can tell that Steven and Ryan are probably exchanging looks right now. They must decide to let it go because neither of them push further. 

They leave him alone for the rest of the morning. There’s no filming today, so at least Shane doesn’t have to slap on a happy face and pretend like everything is fine. 

He isn’t fine.

He has had plenty of time to make peace with the fact that Ryan doesn’t want him anymore, that what they used to have was perhaps more one sided than he’d thought. But everything in him is screaming at him to not let this happen. He feels brutish and close to doing something reckless, and it’s frightening.

The best he can do is hide behind a stoic mask and hold it all back. 

“You ready to go home?” Ryan asks with hesitation in his voice at the end of the day.

Shane just nods. He doesn’t trust himself to answer and not say something he’d regret. 

Ryan waits until they’re in the car to ask, “What happened?”

Shane is too weak by then to keep his eyes away from Ryan. He looks worried, and guilt and anguish burn in Shane’s stomach for making him look like that. “I don’t know,” Shane lies. “I’m just having an off day.”

Ryan can tell it’s not true. His eyes narrow, eyes intense as he studies Shane’s face. Shane holds his breath waiting for Ryan to demand to know. He’s close to breaking. If Ryan pushed, he would tell him everything.

“Okay,” Ryan says and turns on the car.

They drive home in silence.

**SEPTEMBER**

The world doesn’t stop just because Shane’s heartbroken. No, it plunges right ahead and drags him through each excruciating day until he becomes numb to the ever constant ache. He doesn’t let himself think about the future, about what will happen when they start filming the supernatural season of Unsolved on location. What will happen when Ryan decides to move out. 

He has no answers.

Shane wakes up Saturday morning and automatically assumes the apartment is empty. He gets up and gets ready, carefully avoiding looking at the many, many objects all around that would remind him of everything he has lost. Curly’s surprise birthday party is next week, and Shane is in charge of picking up more snacks. The faster he gets ready, the faster he can get out of the apartment and keep himself busy. 

He’s only a few steps away from the front door when Ryan’s bedroom door suddenly flings open, startling Shane. Ryan is there, sleep rumpled, and asking, “Where are you going?”

It takes Shane a second to recover from shock. He blinks stupidly a few times before answering, “I'm gonna grab some coffee and run some errands."

“I’ll come with you,” Ryan says before turning around and heading back to his room. 

Shane waits by the door, his heart still not quite settled. Ryan’s here. Ryan wants to come with him. He knows better than to read too much into that. Hope is a dangerous thing, and he doesn’t want to give into it again. Still, he’s curious to know why Ryan didn’t spend the weekend at Kevin’s like he has done for the past few weeks. 

Twenty minutes later they’re grabbing drinks at their usual coffee place. Ryan goes to sit at a table, and Shane helplessly follows. He feels strangely flustered and awkward. Things have been off between them. Shane knows he’s to blame, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. 

Ryan looks heartbreakingly lovely in his Paddington Bear shirt. He asks, “So what are we doing today?”

“We’re buying a ton of food and then dropping them off at Quinta’s. We had some people RSVP at the last minute, so we decided to just get extra everything."

“For Curly’s party?” When Shane nods, Ryan frowns, a slight pout to his bottom lip, and says petulantly, "You've never thrown _me_ a big surprise birthday party."

Shane smiles. This feels familiar. "You want a surprise party?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, now I can’t throw you one because you’ll be expecting it.”

“Wow. I see, then. You only throw fancy parties for your new best friends. I get it.”

“Try not being born near a holiday when everyone’s out of town.”

“We’ve been through this!” Ryan gently smack’s Shane’s arm. “I had no say in when I was born.”

Shane laughs, his heart full of adoration. “Okay, okay, I’ll throw you a birthday party. Probably years later when you’ve forgotten about asking for one.”

“Fine. I guess I’ll take it. Um, so hey, it’s alright if I bring Kevin, right?”

And just like that, Shane’s insides turn cold. “Sure,” he forces himself to say after a second of silence. 

“Awesome, cool.”

“So things are, uh, going well, I’m guessing?”

Ryan fiddles with his cup, a shy smile on his lips. “Yeah, no, yeah, they’re good. Surprisingly good, actually. He’s… I don’t know. He’s different.”

“Is he? Like he’s got a tail or something?”

Ryan scoffs out a laugh and doesn’t take the bait. “No! No, he’s just… I don’t know. He’s nice. I feel like we click, and like I’m finally — I mean, after all of those bad dates, it’s good to finally have a boyfriend.”

The word hits Shane like a slap. “Boyfriend?” 

“Yeah, we made it official last night when I dropped him off at the airport. He had to go to New York to meet with some director for his next project. I sort of can’t believe it.”

Shane takes a long gulp of his scalding coffee to try and stop the lump in his throat from choking him. He clears his throat and says, “Congratulations.”

Ryan looks happy as he says, “Thanks.”

“Things are moving pretty fast, aren’t they?” Shane can hear the bitterness in his own voice, but he can’t stop himself. “You barely know him.”

Ryan shrugs, though his smile has dimmed. “Maybe it is fast, but… It feels good to finally have someone. That’s what all of this was for. I want to commit to someone and to have them commit to me.”

“I’m glad you found what you wanted,” Shane says, even as his heart rebels in his chest. He wants to ask why he wasn't enough. Wasn’t it obvious that Shane would’ve done anything for him? Wasn’t it obvious that Ryan was always his most important priority? Was that not commitment? 

Ryan is looking at him, searching his face like he’s trying to figure out what Shane really means. 

Shane takes a deep breath and decides to say one of the things that has haunted him most these last few weeks. “I know that things are changing, but just… don’t forget about me, okay?”

Ryan’s eyes widen in surprise. “Never,” he says instantly, but the words bring no comfort. Quite the opposite, it leaves Shane feeling pathetic as Ryan rushes out to say, "I know that I've been — that we haven't — but there's no way I'd forget about you. Ever. Trust me on that. You’ll always —” He struggles to find the words for a moment before settling on, “You’ll always be incredibly important to me.”

There’s nothing more Shane can say, not without everything spilling out. So he forces a smile and says, “Okay. Well, now that you have Hollywood connections, make sure I also get invited to all of the fancy premiers.”

The tension between them breaks as Ryan smiles back. "I promise," he says and holds up his hand for a pinky promise.

Shane laces their pinkies together, but he won’t hold him to any promises made today.

***

The day of Curly's party, Shane keeps busy. He helps set things up at Quinta's house. He blows up balloons and dumps huge bags of chips into bowls and goes to get more ice. As people begin to arrive, he makes sure everyone knows the plan.

If he keeps moving, then maybe he can keep the dark hole in his chest from swallowing him whole. 

His phone vibrates with a message that Quinta is five minutes away with a blindfolded Curly. Ryan isn’t here yet. Shane goes to turn off the music and tells everyone to shut up. The house is full of people and it takes some effort to get everyone to settle down. 

There’s excited giggles and whispers as everyone waits. Ryan said he was coming. Why isn’t he here? Maybe he’s not going to show up at all. Shane can’t tell if he’s disappointed or relieved. It’s not like he _wanted_ to see Ryan with Kevin, but it feels as if he barely ever sees Ryan anymore. He misses him.

He’s so distracted by his dumb thoughts that he nearly misses the reveal. Quinta takes off Curly’s blindfold and everyone yells surprise. Curly gasps and then grins. “No fucking way!” he says. “Oh god, I’m gonna cry. Shane, you asshole, you said you were going to be busy today!”

“Busy helping with this!” Shane steps forward to hug his friend. “Happy birthday, bud,” he says as he gives Curly a squeeze and sways him lightly side to side. Curly has done more to get Shane through this shitty time than he will ever know, and Shane feels his weak heart swell with love and affection for him. 

A hug parade starts not long after, with everyone else stepping forward to hug Curly and wish him a happy birthday. The music gets switched back on, and people start to mill around and get drinks. Shane chats with Zach and Maya. He gets another drink. He refills the chip bowls. He gets another drink. He chats with Keith. He says hi to Steven. He gets another drink.

He can feel the effect of the alcohol, the way it loosens his muscles and the world turns more flowy. And that’s when a familiar voice says, “Hey there, Big Boy.”

Shane instantly turns around. Ryan looks gorgeous wearing a flowery button up, with the top button undone that Shane finds very distracting. “Bergoose,” he says, smiling automatically. It’s good to see Ryan. God, it’s always good. “You made it.”

“Yeah, Kevin had this big conference call that took forever. I’m bummed I missed the surprise part.”

Shane looks around, now feeling on edge. “You brought Kevin?”

“Yeah, he’s talking with Keith outside.”

“That’s great. That’s just great.” 

Ryan frowns, looking worried now. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m having the time of my life,” Shane says before taking another large gulp of his drink. It’s not strong enough. “I’m gonna go add more vodka to this,” he says before turning and walking away from Ryan.

Ryan doesn’t follow him. Of course not. Why would he when he could go hang out with his boyfriend? Shane finishes his drink and makes another one. He’s had too much to drink — he knows that. This is a very stupid thing to be doing, and yet he doesn’t know what else to do. 

He lost Ryan, and the worst is yet to come. Curly was right. There is no way that Shane can keep torturing himself like this. He’ll go insane. Shane is going to have to move out. Just the thought makes him wince, but there is no other option. It hurts too much to sit alone in their apartment, full of the previous life together. 

Shane is staring at the wall, lost in his miserable thoughts, when Curly finds him. “What’re you doing hiding out here?” Curly asks. 

“Oh hey, birthday boy,” Shane says. “I’m not hiding. Just very thirsty.”

“Riiight.” Curly looks around the kitchen, taking in the few people grabbing snacks and pouring themselves drinks. He leans forward and says in a low voice, “So this has nothing to do with Kevin being here?”

Shane opens his mouth to reassure him that it’s totally fine that Kevin is here, but then he stops. The lie won’t come out. “You were right,” Shane finally says, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “I have to move out. Maybe I’ll have to leave Watcher too. I don’t see any other way.”

“Oh babe.” Curly immediately steps closer, putting an arm around him and squeezing. “Do you really think it has to go that far?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend…” Despair fills his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He can’t believe he’s saying this. Everything is falling apart. “I don’t want to be the reason Watcher fails.”

“We don’t have to go that far yet. Let’s just start with moving out. You can always stay at my place.”

Shane nods. “Thanks. God, I’m sorry — I’m blabbering away and ruining your party.”

“It’s okay,” Curly says soothingly.

“No, you should be enjoying your party. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?” Curly looks worried, and it only adds to the guilt Shane is feeling right now. 

Shane nods, already stepping away. “Yeah. I’m gonna go pee and then I’ll come find you in a bit.”

“You better!”

Shane waves at him, already walking towards the living room. Shane instantly spots Ryan as soon as he turns the corner. Kevin’s arm is wrapped around him as they stand with a small group of people. Everyone is smiling. Ryan looks happy.

Shane’s eyes drift to Kevin’s face, and he freezes as his eyes meet Kevin’s. For an eternal second, they stare at each other. There’s something knowing in Kevin’s eyes, something that makes Shane feel exposed. Then Shane turns and heads upstairs.

The light in the bathroom feels too bright. With the music muffled behind the door, everything feels too quiet. It’s only then that he realizes just how fucking drunk he actually is. He has to concentrate to pee, what with the way the floor feels unsteady underneath him.

He washes his hands and looks in the mirror, and he has no clue what the hell is going on. How did he get here? How did he lose everything good and important in his life?

_I’m not drunk enough,_ he realizes and steps out of the bathroom intending to fix that.

Except that there’s someone waiting for him right outside the bathroom door. Kevin says, “Shane. Can I have a moment?”

This is a fucking nightmare. “Curly’s waiting for me,” Shane says, trying to walk around him, fully intending to run away, but Kevin raises his hand and steps in his path once more.

“Look, I just want to make sure everything is okay.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Shane says, impatience leaking into his voice. He’s tired and drunk and hurting, and that makes him say, “Everything’s goddamn peachy, movie man.”

Kevin’s eyebrows fly up in surprise. “I see. So I wasn’t imagining it then. You and Ryan —” 

“There’s no me and Ryan.” The words hurt to say. “Not anymore, alright?”

Kevin stares at him, assessing. Shane doesn’t want to know what conclusions he’s coming to — none of them are going to be flattering. At last, Kevin seems to settle on pity and says, “Look, whether you like me or not, we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other. You’re Ryan’s best friend, and I don’t want to cause any problems for him. So can we just play nice?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Shane says, rolling his eyes. “We’ll all be pals. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He moves past Kevin and quickly goes downstairs. 

As soon as he gets downstairs, his eyes instantly search for and land on Ryan, because of course they fucking do. Ryan is looking at him too. He clearly knows that something is going on — Shane can still read him well enough to know that.

Ryan doesn’t follow him as Shane heads outside to the backyard. A few people are hanging out near the door in the patio area, but most of the grassy area is empty. Good. Shane grabs two beers from the cooler and heads for a dark and deserted corner. He sits down on the grass and opens the first beer.

He’s an idiot. He’s a coward. Ryan is never going to forgive him. His heart feels raw, and to his horror there are tears in his eyes. This is not good.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there alone. His head is swimming with booze and misery, and he can’t really think straight right now. It’s both a blessing and a curse. He can’t make up his mind about what he should do — what _has_ to be done. He can’t keep living like this. He just can’t. 

“There you are!” 

Shane turns, startled by the approaching voice. It’s Steven. Shane quickly wipes at his eyes, feeling embarrassed to be seen in such a low moment. Steven sits next to him, and Shane can’t bear to look at him, keeping his eyes on the beer in his hand.

Steven asks softly, “Are you okay?”

No, he’s not. He’s not, and he hasn’t been in a long time. The weight of it all, these miserable months and the incoming loss, feels like too much. “No,” Shane admits. And then, before he can stop them, the words fall from his mouth: “I’m in love with Ryan.”

“Whoa, wait — really?”

Shane nods. His heart sinks as he realizes that he might ruin Steven’s career too by leaving Watcher. 

“Oh wow!” Steven says in an excited sounding voice. “That’s — have you told him? What did he say?”

Shane frowns and looks up at Steven, who is _smiling._ “What? No, of course I haven’t told him.”

“You should! Shane, you really, really should.” Steven is staring at him intensely, as if trying to communicate something to him telepathically. 

Shane’s mouth drops open, shock and confusion twisting painfully in his chest. “No! Why would I — _he has a boyfriend._ You’re not getting it. This is bad for all of us.”

"All is fair in love and war."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

“Look, just — trust me on this, okay? You guys would be perfect together.”

Shane narrows his eyes at Steven. His sluggish brain is trying so hard to put it together, but the conclusions it's coming to can’t possibly be right. "Do you know something you're not telling me?"

Steven smiles. "Maybe I do."

“Tell me.”

“I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t, but just take my advice.”

"What the hell is going on," Shane says, more to himself than Steven. 

“You’re serious about him? You love him, you want to be with him? You’re sure?”

“Yes, of course I’m sure. I’m not the one that replaced him.” This doesn’t make sense. Shane closes his eyes and covers his face with his hands. He feels disconnected from reality, as if at any moment he’ll wake up from this strange nightmare. 

But Steven puts his hand on Shane’s shoulder, and it’s solid and real. Steven says, “You’ve got to tell him.”

_What do I have to lose?_ Shane’s foggy brain thinks. Everything is already falling apart. If there’s even a tiny crumb of hope that he can have Ryan, he has to take it. He should’ve told Ryan a long time ago. It’s terrifying — it has always been terrifying — but he’s desperate enough to blindly jump off the cliff.

Shane stands up. “Okay. I’m going to tell him.”

Steven looks alarmed. “Now? Maybe you should —”

“Yes, now. If I don’t do it now, then I’ll have time to think, and it’s gotta be _now.”_ Shane doesn’t wait for Steven to say anything else. He strides back towards the house, his heart hammering in his chest. He’s going to tell him. He has to tell him.

He spots Ryan instantly when he steps back inside. His stomach is one giant knot, and terror is racing through his veins. He doesn’t know what gives him the strength to keep walking until he’s standing right in front of Ryan.

Kevin is giving him apprehensive looks, but Shane ignores him. His eyes stay on Ryan as he says, “I need to talk to you.”

Ryan's eyes widen in surprise before worry takes over. “Okay,” he says. He looks at Shane up and down, as if inspecting him for injuries. “Can you hold this?” Ryan says to Kevin as he hands him his drink. Then to Shane he says, “Let’s go,” and motions upstairs.

Shane feels like his insides are shaking as they walk together and go into an empty bedroom. The sound of the door closing behind them makes him flinch. Ryan sits down at the foot of the bed and stares at him with concern.

“I have to tell you something,” Shane says, stalling. He hates that he can hear a slight slurring to his words. He takes a deep breath and then another, but his brain feels like jelly and the words don’t come out.

“Did something happen with Kevin?” Ryan asks. “He won’t tell me what happened, and I —” 

“That’s not it,” Shane says quickly. Another deep breath. He has to tell him. He can’t back out now. He opens his mouth and out tumbles, “I’m sorry. Look, I’m really sorry, okay? I promise that I tried to back off and let you do your life and what you wanted, but I just — I can’t anymore. I just can’t, and I’m so sorry.”

“What is it? You’re scaring me — just spit it out.”

“I’m in love with you.” Shane sees the words hit Ryan, sees the look of shock that takes over his face, his eyes wide. 

"What?" Ryan says, voice strained.

Shane is trembling. “I know this fucks everything up. I’m sorry.” Regret hits him hard as Ryan’s face morphs from confusion to dismay to something that looks a hell of a lot like anger. 

“How long?” It sounds like an accusation.

“I don’t know. A long time. Over a year, maybe. It happened little by little.”

“Goddamn it, Shane,” Ryan says, standing up. He brings a hand up to his head, like he’s suddenly getting a headache. “Why didn’t you fucking — I made it so clear! I fucking _asked you!_ Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What? When did you ask me anything about us?”

“Yes, I did! On New Years! I was practically fucking _begging_ you to kiss me, and you didn’t! You didn’t!”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t think that’s what it was. I was scared to mess things up between us.”

“So was I!” Ryan laughs bitterly, no real humor in it. “This is — god, just when I finally think I’m going to get over you, and you just —" 

"Ryan," Shane says, with no purpose but to get him to stop. Shane can't handle much more of this. He feels humiliated, rejection piercing his insides. This is all going so much worse than he ever feared. His thoughts are jumbled, half focused on the fact that Ryan at one point felt the same, half on the way Ryan looks anguished right now. 

Ryan does fall silent. He stares at Shane, but Shane can’t make himself meet his gaze. His eyes are lowered, focused on Ryan's clenched hands.

"I'm sorry," Shane says again.

"I need to think," Ryan says, and then walks towards the door, moving around Shane to escape. 

Shane stands there in the empty room, still shaking. Hot tears flood his eyes. He feels as though he’s lost everything.

***

“I’m so sorry,” Steven says for the fiftieth time in the last hour, and all Shane can do is close his eyes as another wave of misery sweeps over him.

“Steven, just — please,” Shane says. “Don’t make me regret calling you.”

The two of them sit in silence in Shane’s living room, on the couch. The apartment is still and silent. A constant reminder that Ryan didn’t come home last night. That Shane hasn’t seen him since that disastrous moment at the party.

Shane’s entire body feels like it’s humming with pain, but he doesn’t know how much of that is from the hangover he woke up with this morning, how much is from the crying he did last night alone in his room, and how much it’s from the fact that Ryan doesn’t want him.

Steven shifts uncomfortably, restless. Shane called him this morning to ask if he’d heard from Ryan, too scared to call or text him himself. Steven insisted on coming over, and now there’s nothing left to do but wait.

“Can I just say one thing?” Steven asks, turning to fully face Shane.

Shane sighs. “Fine.”

“I really thought Ryan would react better to finding out. I promised I wouldn’t tell you, but —” Steven hesitates, seeming to struggle with his words before blurting out, “He’s been in love with you for a long time. Years. And I don’t think that goes away that quickly. He must still have feelings for you.

The words do nothing to lift Shane’s spirits. “I don’t think that matters. He wanted to get over me.”

“Only because he thought you didn’t feel the same way.”

Shane scoffs out a dark laugh. “It was obvious. It was obvious to everyone. I should’ve told him, but it never occurred to me that he would pull back. I thought we’d eventually get there.”

“Shane, I’m so sor —” 

“I know. Look, I don’t blame you. I know you were trying to help. And who knows. Maybe this had to happen.” Shane swallows against the tight feeling in his throat and admits, “It was killing me to see him with other people. I need to move out and move on too.”

Steven sighs. “Maybe some space would be good. Just for a little bit.”

Shane is going to need more than a little bit of time and a lot of space to get over Ryan — if that’s even possible — but he doesn’t say anything. 

Steven checks his phone and immediately looks disappointed. “He still hasn’t answered my texts. Where do you think he is?”

“With his boyfriend.”

Steven winces. “Oh. Right.”

Shane rubs his aching head, closing his eyes again. Another silence falls around them. And when Shane wipes away treacherous tears that manage to escape, Steven puts a comforting hand on his arm and squeezes.

Ryan doesn’t answer any of Steven’s texts or calls. He doesn’t reach out to Shane either, but Shane didn’t expect him too. Steven stays all day. He makes Shane some soup around three and watches him carefully to make sure he eats it. Then around seven he calls for take out and convinces Shane to eat it. He leaves around midnight, after making Shane promise he’s going to go to bed and sleep.

Shane does as he promised, and he’s asleep only a few minutes later, completely exhausted. 

When he wakes up the next morning, the first thing he does is close his eyes again, not ready to re-enter the waking world. He lays there for a while, half awake and half asleep, until the distinct sound of the front door gently opening and closing makes his eyes involuntarily open. 

Ryan is here.

Dread fills him. A braver man might go out and demand to talk it out, might get up and at least _try_ to make things better. But Shane is a coward, even now, and he doesn’t get up. He’s not ready to see that angry look on Ryan’s face again. He’s not ready to say goodbye.

He doesn’t know what his life without Ryan would look like. He doesn’t want it. Even though he knows that he can’t go on like this, even knowing he ruined everything last night, he can’t wrap his mind around actually untangling their lives. He’s not sure he could bear it.

He hears Ryan’s bedroom door open. Perhaps it’s all out of Shane’s hands now. Maybe Ryan is only here to grab his things. Maybe Kevin’s outside, waiting for him. 

A few moments later, Shane’s bedroom door opens, startling him. Ryan’s standing there, his hand still on the doorknob. His hair is messy. He looks like he’s barely slept, his eyes slightly red as if he’d recently been crying. Guilt kicks Shane in the chest as he realizes he is to blame for Ryan looking like that.

“Sorry for waking you up,” Ryan says, voice much gentler than Shane expected. 

“It’s okay.”

“I, um… I brought you coffee. I thought — I mean, we need to talk.” Ryan looks determined, like he won’t take no for an answer, and Shane is reminded that Ryan is so, so much braver than he is. He always has been.

Shane nods and sits up. “Okay.”

Ryan nods stiffly and walks away, leaving Shane to get up and throw on sweatpants and a clean t-shirt. He pauses before exiting his room, running a hand over his face. Ready or not, it’s time to face the consequences. At least Ryan doesn’t seem angry anymore.

When he steps out into the living room, Ryan is sitting on the couch, a to-go cup in his hand. There’s one for Shane on the coffee table. Shane takes his place on the couch and grabs the cup. It’s pleasantly warm in his hands, and he takes a sip to buy him a few more precious seconds.

Ryan breaks the silence with, “I’m sorry that I got mad at you.”

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“I don’t think you do,” Ryan says, and it’s only then that Shane is able to look up and fully meet his gaze. “We know each other so well that I think we forget we don’t actually know what each other is thinking.”

Shane nods. He’d been so sure that he understood Ryan better than anyone else, and maybe he did. But that didn’t prevent miscommunication and the breakdown of their entire relationship. “I always assumed you knew how I felt about you. I didn’t think you could doubt it.”

Ryan sighs. “What we had was so undefined, and I always felt like you were holding back. I kept doubting and thinking you weren’t serious about me. Getting cheated on really messed me up. I was scared I was fooling myself again or that I wasn’t enough. And I guess I wanted you to make the first move to prove you really wanted me.” 

“I should have. I’m so sorry I didn’t. When you started dating, I was… I was a mess. I made everything worse, probably.”

“We both did. It was fucking awful seeing you replace me with Curly and we kept arguing and it all fucking sucked.”

Shane shakes his head, huffing out a short laugh. “I wasn’t replacing you with Curly. He was just being a good friend and putting up with my miserable ass. I didn’t know what to do without you.” Ryan’s face twists unhappily, and Shane rushes to say, “But don’t worry. I understand you’re with someone else now. Maybe after some time apart, we can recuperate our friendship.” 

Ryan shakes his head, and it makes Shane’s heart sink until Ryan says, “I broke up with Kevin.”

Shane can’t believe it. He stares at Ryan like an idiot, half convinced he misheard him. “You did?”

“Yeah.” There’s anguish in his voice as he says, “I can’t tell you I don’t have feelings for him. I do, and it was hard. He’s the closest I’ve ever come to thinking I could get over you. But…” Ryan takes a deep breath. “I love you so much, Shane. I feel — I feel like I’m drowning from how much I love you sometimes. I know that sounds stupid, but I’ve never felt this much towards another person before. And honestly? It’s terrifying as hell.”

“Oh I know.” Shane grins, his heart beaming. Love and tenderness and adoration and fear of messing it up all swirl together in his chest. “I love you too. More than anything.”

Ryan reaches out his hand, and Shane instantly takes it. Their fingers lace together. It feels so much like coming home. Ryan laughs, breathless. “We are going to need so much counseling. Let’s take it slow, ok? And no more secrets. No more assuming. We have to talk things out.”

“Fine by me,” Shane says, squeezing Ryan’s hand. His heart beats wildly as he tries to process this. “Whatever you want. As long as I have you, I’m in.”

“You have me,” Ryan says instantly. “Do I have you?”

“You have all of me, baby. No take backs.”

They smile at each other, full of love and wonder. Ready to begin.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on tumblr at [miraclesofpaul.tumblr.com](https://miraclesofpaul.tumblr.com/)


End file.
